It’s been a week since Jamal left our home.
Obviously a writer never wants to spoil the ending and so
it’s best not to continue our story this way, but most of you know the ending
anyway. But I know you want the details of how we got here, so let’s back up.
Back to Mid September where I left you all biting your nails.
Jack and Jill went up
the hill
To fetch a Utah
lawyer
………
Sept 30th to Oct 15th:
How do you live your life in limbo, wondering each day if
this child you love and care for will be with you next week or even next month?
I began to think what it must be like for parents of children with a terminal
illness. I don’t know how they cope and make it through such an ordeal. Life is
frozen. You don’t make any plans, you torture yourself with wanting to give
them all the love and attention you can, but also naturally backing away to
protect your heart. Your nerves are frayed, patience thin, worn down in every
way. It’s a daily rollercoaster of emotion. Up and down and up and down, until
you’re nauseous and want to jump off.
Luckily we had some reinforcements during that time to help ease
the strain. Jeremy’s parents took the kids overnight so we could have a break
and they did some activities with the kids and with us. They gave us some
breaks to catch our breath and recharge. My mom also came to give me a
much-needed time out. She took care of just about everything- cooking,
cleaning, homework with kids, wrangling Jamal and Nicole during the day, etc,
but most importantly, emotional support for all of us.
Wed Oct 16th:
We heard news that was hard to swallow that day. We found
out that the Judge in Texas had sent our judge a very firm statement that he
would not, nor would he ever, relinquish jurisdiction over to Utah. On top of
that, Jack had now retained a lawyer here in Utah. Our lawyer told us this was
all obviously very bad news for us and didn’t know how it would affect our
case. By this point Jeremy and I were getting better at dealing with bad news,
it was discouraging, but it didn’t mean we had lost or that we were giving up
hope. We remembered how many people were praying for us and hung on to that.
You need to remember that we went into this from the
beginning with a fight, determined to protect Jamal; believing he was better
off in our family. The only information we had about Jack at this point was
what the birth mother had told the agency. And let’s just say it wasn’t what we
would want any child to live with or go back to.
The fact that he had now hired a lawyer out here made us
begin to question things. Was he doing this out of spite? Out of pride? Was
there another family member that was driving this and not the birth father? Or…does
he really love his son and want him back? We wished we had more information in
order to gauge what his motives were. Hiring a lawyer here didn’t exactly prove
it was for the right reasons, but with the expense of doing so we began to
wonder.
Back in September our family and Jeremy and I fasted and
prayed together. Jeremy and I felt very strongly to look at things from the
father’s perspective. It made me think that despite motives or reasoning, it
was still his son and he knew nothing about us or where Jamal was. If that were
the case with one of our children I would be terrified! I felt inspired to write
him a personal letter, to try and reach out to him. In that letter I introduced
our family, assured him that Jamal was safe and sound and deeply loved and
cared for. I also made it clear that if Jamal was adopted into our family, he
would certainly be welcome to be a part of Jamal’s life. I also sent our
adoption profile and pictures of Jamal with our family. I hoped this would ease
his conscience so he could let go of any pride, anger or fear, but also worried
that it might make him even more upset and determined to fight. We never heard
a response so I feared it had done the latter, given the new developments.
Oct 17th – 30th:
We all thought that we would hear something soon now that
the Texas judge had submitted his official opinion to our judge. We got back to
normal life, our life of anxiety; trying to stay busy and chugging along through
the mists of the unknown, just waiting.
School. Waiting. Homework. Waiting. Doctor appointments. Waiting. Church. Waiting. Bonding. Endless
waiting!
Oct 31st:
Halloween was a fun day! The kids had their school parties
so we did makeup and costumes before school, and I got to help in Kai’s class
party that afternoon. After school I got all the kids in costumes for pictures.
It was and will be a special memory for me. We’ve had this little pumpkin
costume since Kai was a baby and each one of our kids have worn it their first
Halloween. Jamal was so small that it actually fit him. It was perfect. I knew
this was the first Halloween Jamal would remember and was so glad we got to
share that with him. We went trick or treating and he was so surprised at the
first house. He got a sucker; he pulled it out of his bucket and stared at it
then smiled and waived it at us. He was so excited he didn’t want to put it
back in. He did the same thing at the next house, just marveling how all these
people were giving him candy. Inspecting each one and showing us with
excitement. It didn’t take long for him to catch on and once he did he was off
and running to keep up with his siblings, door to door. We brought the stroller
in case he got tired, but he never used it. He wanted in on this trick or
treating thing. It was so fun to watch how happy and excited he was.
Nov 1st – 13th:
This was a very difficult time. We knew that legally the
judge had 60 days to make a ruling, and we didn’t, for one second, believe he
would use every last day, but the clock kept on ticking by.
During this time Jeremy and I both got new church callings.
I was called as a girl’s camp director. I thought this was some witty irony on
the Lord’s part, considering the fact that I hated girl’s camp when I was
younger and only went twice. Jeremy was called as second counselor in the
Bishopric, a very demanding and time -consuming calling. We also had family
pictures done. I was so worried about losing Jamal that I wanted memories of
him as a part of our family.
Lots of changes were happening and my anxiety and depression
were worsening daily; I began to shut down and shut people out. Ben informed us
that the deadline could come and go if the judge was still working on our case!
We didn’t even know if he had been working on it, which was infuriating! I
didn’t want to go to any activities or be very social because I didn’t want to
talk about it. I was just angry that we had to go through this, hopelessly thinking
there was no end in sight.
Nov 7th:
Nicole had her tonsils out that day. The plan was for Jeremy
to check her in, while I dropped Kai and Natalie off at school and Jamal to the
sitter and then meet him there before her surgery. Simple, right?!
Natalie was having a hard day and crying that she didn’t
want to go to school. And not just a tiny fit. She followed me all over the
house, clung to my leg, hid under my dresser, begged, screamed, cried. She
wanted to come with me (kids aren’t allowed at the hospital), or stay home by
herself, or go with Jamal, anything but go to school. Her poor, tiny body had
had enough anxiety and stress, she was a melting pot boiling over that day too.
We had had several days of this over the past month, some
days I let her stay home, some days I had to send a picture of me with her to
school, other days I would tell her to just try and make it a half day.
Anyway, I went about my morning with her on my heels until I
couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to explain that if it was her in the hospital
she would want me to be there and that if she stayed home from school I
wouldn’t be able to go be with Nicole. It didn’t phase her. I gave up, waived
my white flag. In a moment of bad, exasperated parenting I yelled at her,
“Fine, stay home! Because of you I don’t get to go help Nicole at the
hospital!” I shut myself in the bathroom and cried, and texted Jeremy that I
wasn’t coming. I really wanted to be there for several reasons, but one of them
is because Nicole has always preferred Jeremy over me, she bonded most to him right
away and we’ve been working on that ever since. Once again, I thought, in my
twisted mind, Jeremy gets to be her hero and I won’t even be there!
When I sent Kai out the door (25 min later than planned) I
think Natalie realized what was really happening and popped out of her room
ready for school. I, not very nicely, said goodbye and shut the door. Then I got a text from Jeremy that the
doctors had already taken Nicole back into surgery. I felt horrible, like I had
already missed everything. Jeremy re-assured me it was fine and to come.
I got in my car and he texted that Nicole was already done
and would be back to her room in a while. I started driving but didn’t make it
very far. I had to pull over and just cry. Which emotionally unstable kid
needed me more today? Natalie or Nicole? I had failed both, or so I believed. I
just couldn’t take any more stress. Once I finally got my head on straight I
decided I could at least be there to help Nicole at the hospital and made my
way there.
I got there just as they were bringing her into her room.
She was in pain and crying, I tried to give her a popsicle. I felt so bad for
her and guilty for not being there that morning and guilty for treating Natalie
the way I had and stressed about the adoption. That was my breaking point, it
all came crashing down and emotions spewed out of me like a tidal wave. I had
the biggest, and scariest panic attack of my life. I was so scared that they
would commit me right there and then, but on the one hand it sounded so nice. I
just wanted a break, from everything! I begged Jeremy to call our doctor, I
needed something to calm me down. I couldn’t even breathe. Luckily I had my
anxiety pills in my purse and took the dose recommended to calm me right away.
It helped slowly. There were a lot of attentive nurses that took over while I
panicked and Jeremy made phone calls and tried to help me. More people in this
world that probably think I’m insane. Great. Hopefully Nicole was too drugged
to remember her mom falling apart that day.
One of those nurses was an angel in disguise that day though.
I told her about our adoption situation and she told me she had gone through
something similar years ago and ended up losing her daughter. Even though it
was so many years ago she was still tearing up. I found talking to her about
her experience really helped me feel better in that moment, to know that
someone else had experienced what I was going through, all the pain and
frustration.
The next few days we felt defeated and down. All of us. I realized
that at this point none of us were very happy or hopeful. Jeremy and I said a
prayer on the 13th asking Heavenly Father if we should continue this
fight. We didn’t know if our family could endure anymore. The answer was yes,
for now we were supposed to move forward, one step at a time. But we also knew
in our hearts that we were going to lose Jamal. I had those nagging feelings
from the very beginning, but never wanted to give up hope or believe that would
ever happen.
We used that time (waiting for the 60th day) to
talk with the kids more about the possibility of him leaving and asked them
each what they would want to do with him if he had to go. We talked about free
agency and how Jamal wasn’t really ours to begin with, that ultimately he
belonged to Heavenly Father.
Thurs Nov 14th:
Day 59. We found out that’s Jack’s Utah attorney, Damien,
had requested an extension to file more papers! He had a death in the family
and was asking for a few days. We were “this close!” However, a few more days
seemed like nothing compared to the months already endured.
I went into pretend mode. Pretend that Jamal would be here
forever and that there was nothing going on. Moved on with life, lived each day
and tried to be grateful for the time we had left with him.
Thurs Nov 21st:
We saw the papers filed by Damien. Within them was the birth
father’s story, complete with documentation. We were shocked, saddened and
confused. There had been so many lies and different stories, but we felt this
was finally the truth and it wasn’t pretty. It was so far from what the birth
mother had said that it took a while to process. We felt so bad for the birth
father, but didn’t know what to do. We knew we needed to wait on the judge
though, until then we were stuck. The feeling that we were going to lose Jamal
became very real. We also knew our chances of hearing an answer from the judge at that point were zero until after
Thanksgiving. Another week and a half to wait…
Fri Nov 22nd:
We celebrated Jamal’s second birthday with Jeremy’s parents.
We had cake and ice cream, balloons, and presents. It was a fun little
celebration. Jeremy’s mom gave him a mother goose doll that tells stories. As
soon as he pulled it out of the bag he began attacking Kai and Natalie with it
like it was some sort of sword or weapon. It was hilarious. Jeremy’s mom tried
to show him that it told stories and that it was cute.. and soft.. and nice! He
grabbed it and started whacking people all over again. What can I say, he’s a
boy who had watched super hero cartoons with Kai maybe one time too many.
Sat Nov 28th:
We celebrated Thanksgiving with Jeremy’s family and
siblings. It was so nice to be together and have a relaxing break, although
poor Natalie was sick all day with the flu. We had family pictures done again
that day. This time without Jamal. We needed a new family picture with our
alternate ending in sight.
Wed Dec 4th:
We finally heard SOMETHING! Damien had requested a new
hearing with the judge prior to Thanksgiving. We wished we had heard that
little piece of news before the holiday, but whatever, it would’ve just given
us more days to fret. The hearing was set for the next wed, the 11th. We were nervous, but this was much
better than waiting with no word, at least something was happening. We were
ready, ready for this nightmare of waiting to be over, one way or the other.
Obviously we hoped and prayed there was a way Jamal would be able to stay with
us, but deep down we knew the truth and what might come.
I thought I could finish our story in one sitting, but there
is just too much. Much too much. So this is enough for now.
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