It’s fairly simple to merely write a story, but not as
simple to write a great story. Every endearing story written throughout history
shares the same qualities and components: a challenge or threat, deep emotional
distress, a hero with adversity and struggles to overcome, and an antagonist
standing in the way. As the story progresses the hero discovers some universal
truths about him/herself, and overcomes un-surmountable odds in order to
triumph. Except, that is, in a tragedy; the black sheep of novels, one that
actually concludes with an unhappy ending, leaving the reader wanting and sad
or bitter.
Well, grab your tissues and hold on for the ride… our happy
little adoption story took a detour: intense, emotional, adverse and full of
surprise with multiple alternative endings. You decide if we reach a happy
ending or if this story is truly a tragedy after all.
Music is a pretty important part of my life, if you want the soundtrack of my life right now you can listen to Let Her Go by Passenger, Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles, We All Need Saving by Jon McLaughlin, Sailboat by Ben Rector, and Lullaby by Josh Groban (which I posted about a few days ago) while reading this long post, but only if you have a tissue ready. Music makes everything in life richer!
Let’s see, in my last post I left you all in a cloud of
happy transformation, with dancing unicorns and butterflies and four joy-full
children. I wish I could go back to that land of enchantment. I hate to burst
the bubble so soon, but alas, our antagonist must make his presence and
objective known within the first Act! However, the antagonist doesn’t always
have to be an evil villain or a terrifying monster, sometimes it can be as
simple as another person setting out to fulfill their opposing intentions,
which results in the conflict.
We were all on cloud nine enjoying our new little one and
knowing our family was now complete. We spent a few workless weeks playing
games, doing special activities, bonding, and preparing for the future. Of
course, a naive hero never suspects the big bad wolf looming does she? The
general mood and feeling when the adoption took place was that there was
nothing to worry about. We were told that his biological father hadn’t been
involved with Jamal so far, so he probably wouldn’t care that he had been
placed with us…. We all guessed wrong.
On Monday August 12th (about 2 weeks after we brought Jamal home) we had a set back
when we found out that Jack (fictional name of course), Jamal’s birth father,
had hired an attorney (we will call her Jill) who was requesting information
regarding the whereabouts of Jamal. He had contacted the agency a few days
before asking for his child back. We assumed that he was probably angry that
birth mom had placed his son and was to just venting and expressing himself.
Obviously we thought he was better off with us given the history presented to
us. So when he hired a lawyer we were a little shocked.
Our adoption agency was a little shocked as well and urged
us to hire a different, more experienced lawyer. You know the old saying about
hindsight being 20/20, well…
Anyway, this was a very difficult decision for us. It was
more than worrying and wondering what to do and what was best for Jamal. We had
just invested so much money into this adoption, more than we had saved, been
given and gotten loans to cover. In fact, I’m going on a tangent here to tell
you about our first small miracle in this story:
We had to come up with this difference in one day in order
to make this adoption happen. Jeremy and I had been taking a Dave Ramsey
Finance class (Which I HIGHLY recommend) so we had all our cash category
envelopes at home. It was the end of the month so there wasn’t much left, but
we took every dollar from every envelope knowing that we wouldn’t even be able
to buy more groceries until pay day! We also withdrew our entire emergency fund
of $1,000 (baby step number one in the program). Together this made up the
difference, exactly, and we had enough left to buy the few essential things we
needed like a car seat, diapers and wipes. We took Dave’s advice to “sell so
much stuff the kids think they’re next”, and guess what? We restocked that $1,000
fund in just one month! Partly from selling things, but the rest came from the
biggest miracle I’ve seen in our family yet. We were moving all of our banking
to just one account and in doing so discovered an extra $600+ dollars! We have
no idea where that came from. Jeremy is a math and spreadsheet guru and tracks
our spending every month to the penny. That money wasn’t in there before. It
was such a blessing, because we would need to use that emergency savings again,
very soon….
Now back to our original story…our current lawyer was
available through the pre-paid legal services offered through Jeremy’s work. We
had been hoping for an adoption this year so we had been paying the fees all
year in preparation. If we stayed with this lawyer our fees would be minimal.
If we chose to change our fees would be daunting and crippling. We felt at the
time that he could handle this and
asked our lawyer, John (you guessed it, fictional name) to
send the appropriate documentation to Jill that day (the 12th) and then
we waited. Patience in not my virtue and these last few weeks have tested me
more than ever. That paper was supposed to get to Jill/Jack by the end of the
week. Again, we assumed, that it would be taken care of.
The week went by slowly without any news. Jeremy and I had
our 11th anniversary coming up on Saturday and we had made plans to
go to the temple in Salt Lake (where we were married) Friday night, and out to
dinner and a movie Saturday night in celebration. Friday night came; we dropped
the kids off at his sister’s house, and drove toward the temple. We were almost
there when we received a call from our caseworker that we needed to call the
agency. We sat in the car in the hot underground parking garage on a conference
call on speakerphone, Jeremy talking while I took notes. Jill was very upset
because she had not yet received the papers John said he would send and that we
had promised would be there by then!
She was also claiming that she had a standing court order that stated Jamal’s
birth mother had no legal right to leave the state, let alone, place Jamal for
adoption. Ugh. Again they urged us to hire a different lawyer (the agency’s
lawyers hinted that John had no idea what he was doing and didn’t appreciate
the urgency of this action) and told us that this had to be taken care of on
Monday. They were really worried what might happen if not. Jeremy and I were
crushed. My heart sank. We were in a state of panic and confusion.
After an hour on the phone and some discussion, we decided we
would still try to get into the temple to do some sealings. It was really late,
but we made it in. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints, we believe that families are forever and that you will be with your
family after you die. When a couple is married inside the temple they are
sealed together for eternity. In our temples we do this for couples who have
died without the opportunity and who have not yet been sealed together. I had
forgotten that sealing children to their parents in also done during a session.
As soon as I sat down in the room reality hit me. I realized that Jamal may
never be sealed to our family and that we might not see him again, not just in
this life, but that we wouldn’t get to be together as a family in Heaven
either. I cried, and not just a few tears. I couldn’t stop. I started to have a
panic attack and tried to just breathe, I wanted to run out of the room. I
cried the entire session and used almost a whole box of tissues. The other
people in that room probably thought I was a nut case! I think Jeremy did too. Even
re-living this in writing is hard, all these emotions are still here.
Of course this was a Friday, we had to wait the entire
weekend to get this sorted out with John. We continued our date Saturday night
and tried not to think about all of this (almost impossible), but it was a nice
distraction. We debated all weekend again whether we should switch attorneys. This
was still a very difficult decision. Ultimately we decided that with the
urgency resting on actions needing to take place Monday, we didn’t really have
time to switch. It would take too long to get papers signed and sent and
transferred. Again, we stuck it out with John, putting our faith in him.
Monday morning, the 19th of August, we contacted
John. He hadn’t even sent the paper to Jill yet! He did get it out later that
day after yet more bad news. The agency called us in a panic that afternoon.
Jill had threatened to go to a judge in their state that day or the next to get
a court order demanding that Jamal be sent back immediately! The agency insisted
it was necessary for John to submit a petition for us to have temporary custody
that same day or we would risk losing Jamal, possibly by the end of the week.
Our lawyer pulled through for us and submitted the petition to our judge and
mailed the document to Jack, which would be delivered by a constable. This
delivery to Jack would begin his 30 day notice here in Utah to his right to
either sign and relinquish his rights to us or acknowledge his intent to
contest. If no action is taken during that 30 days the parental rights are
automatically lost. So this little paper was a BIG deal! The clock was ticking
and we needed some of those 30 days that were missed by not sending it the week
before. Needless to say we were on
pins and needles all day, but relieved that those papers had finally been taken
care of.
On Tuesday the 20th, we got some good news from
our lawyer, a judge had reviewed our petition and had signed it. He hadn’t
expected a judge to even look at it for a few days. We were so relieved.
Everyone believed that by moving the custody from the agency to us would
prevent the issuing of such an order from the other state. I don’t know if Jill
did go to a judge after all, but we held our breath waiting for any more news
or threats.
We began to relax a little and get into a new groove:
Jeremy’s paternity leave had ended and he had gone back to work again and our
older two kids had started school.
Monday the 26th of August, still no news. It was
the calm before the storm. Aug 26th
–Sept 3rd nothing, just normal life mixed with a bit of anxiety and
a new stress of homework. You think as an adult, out of school, that you are
done with homework, but no-oo. Parents are the ones with homework. I don’t know
about you, but if I don’t sit right next to my kids and force them to divide
this and spell that, it just doesn’t get done. And don’t even get me started on
“reflections” and big projects! Some days I have to remind myself that I really
do want my kids to learn and to get good grades.
Wed Sept 4th, John contacts us and tells us we
have a meeting with our judge scheduled on Sept 16th. He also
informs us that Jack has now filed suit against Jamal’s birthmother in addition
to contesting the adoption. He filed suit Aug 23rd.
We had no idea what this meeting with the judge was going to
be like or what it was about. I mean about Jamal obviously, but were we there
so he could examine our character and stability for Jamal, or tell us we have
to send him home. Was this a real hearing or just a one on one visit? So many
questions and our Lawyer didn’t have any answers! His advice was: don’t plan on
your adoption being finalized.
That night we were scared, and angry. We decided we had no
alternative but to switch lawyers, we needed someone more aggressive and with
more experience. Someone willing to tackle this head on and fight for us. We
went straight to the source, the best in the business.
Friday Sept 6th, Our hearts sank when we got the
response from this impressive lawyer saying that we had a very difficult case
and that it would cost us tens of thousands of dollars with him. More money
than we could ever come up with, numbers that would spell financial ruin for
our family. So we went to a firm he partners with on occasion, the one that he
and our agency recommended. It was late in the day so we left a message.
And….waited….. Of course it was
Friday, darn it! Every time we have to wait for important news or updates it’s
always over an entire weekend. I don’t know if you know this, but time passes
at a slower rate on Saturday and Sunday. It’s true! Each minute stretches to at
least 90 seconds instead of the allotted 60.
On Saturday we asked family to pray with us and for us over
the weekend and over the next few weeks. We also started making plans for a
fundraising yard sale in anticipation of whatever number would come from this
next firm.
(hugs)
Monday Sept 9th, We heard back from Peter and Ben
(probably don’t need to say this at this point, but their names have been
changed). They agreed to take on our case and told us we have a very steep hill
to climb, but they are going to try! Their retainer fee to prepare for our
court date was only $1,000. The word
only is appropriate as it was way lower than we were expecting to hear; a
blessing in itself. If you’ve read
the story so far you probably just gasped. I sure did. One thousand dollars,
the exact amount we had just put back into our emergency fund! It felt so good to
know we had the money ready and we finally felt a little empowered with lawyers
that knew their stuff and that were already busily researching and working on
our case.
They also knew what our “meeting” with the judge was about.
They actually took the time to ask some questions and look into it. We were
told it was going to be a hearing between our judge here and the judge in
Jack’s state to determine where legal jurisdiction lies in all this.
This is where things get complicated and fuzzy lines are
drawn. There was already a pending legal action between birth-mom and dad way
before the adoption, started last year in fact. In their state they have a
“standing court order” that neither party is allowed to leave the state in such
cases.
I think I can guess some things that just went through your
mind, probably some of the same things that went through mine when we heard the
news. You see, we knew about this document early on, but everyone thought it
was nothing, didn’t matter and wouldn’t affect Utah jurisdiction. Turns out,
our adoption hangs in the balance due to that one stupid piece of paper!
The next two days were hard. I was so depressed and scared.
We did hear a few days later that Peter was very confident we would win this
case and that Utah could take over. This helped, but didn’t ease any of my
anxiety. Meanwhile we prepared for our yard sale that weekend…
We were completely overwhelmed and humbled by the generosity
of others. Our house was literally overflowing with donations. People stopped
by and gave us money, others stopped by to visit and talk. It was so nice to
have something to focus on and busy myself with and feel the love and support
from so many people near and far.
Saturday Sept 14th, it was time for the big yard
sale and there were more miracles in store. Our aim was to get a good start at
re-stocking that emergency fund yet again. We thought we could make a couple
hundred dollars at least. The first miracle was that it didn’t rain! Sounds
silly, but the heavens had been unleashing for days; so many areas around us were
flooding. We had borrowed about 8 large tables to put things on and had even
more stuff all over the lawn. It would’ve been quite the feat to drag it all
into the garage had it started raining! The day went well, we had a steady
stream of people most of the day. Our average sale was probably about $6-$10.
We kept the yard sale going for 5 hours. When we decided to call it quits and clean up we still had a
lot left over. Once everything was settled, while Jeremy was off taking a load
to DI, I counted our money. I counted again. And again. And again. It couldn’t
be right. It didn’t add up! I won’t give the actual number here, but we had
enough to re-stock our emergency fund once again! When Jeremy got home he
couldn’t believe it either. He was our cashier most of the day and he said he
knew there wasn’t that much money in our box. We were both flabbergasted! How
do you make that much money from a simple yard sale? The answer is, you don’t!
It was nothing short of a miracle.
The kids weren’t a part of our yard sale, they got to spend
time at grandma and grandpa’s house instead, but they were pretty sad they
didn’t get to be there. We took them to a movie later that afternoon to relax,
blow off steam, and have a fun family day, dreading what the worst-case scenario
might be on Monday.
Sunday was a wild ride. The kids were fighting over who got
to play with Jamal and fighting with each other. It was when I was about to
stick them all in time-out that one of them said, “but today is the last day we
are going to get to see Jamal!” My heart broke. We had kept most of this from
them up until this point because we didn’t want them to worry. We couldn’t keep
it hidden any longer, especially since there was a chance of losing Jamal. They
didn’t quite understand it and were doing the best they could, but they were as
much of an emotional wreck as we were. I just hadn’t fully realized it until
that moment. We had a lot to talk about that day.
(tickles)
Monday Sept 16th, the big day. I think I was more
nervous that day than I was the day of our adoption! We thought we would get a
decision that day and have the biggest piece of this puzzle solved once and for
all. Peter was confident we would win. He explained to us again what would
happen and went into the courtroom with his assistants. We waited outside with
Jamal since we weren’t allowed in the actual courtroom. We were there hoping
the judge might invite us in to ask us a question and put names with the faces
on his papers. He never did. I was so nervous, I had a hard time sitting still.
I should’ve taken an anxiety pill that day, I sure could’ve used one, but I
wanted to make sure I was totally alert if, per chance we had to speak to the
judge. I think I went to the bathroom every 3 minutes. I’m not even
exaggerating. Those of you that know me well will believe this. It was way
beyond my normal small -bladder needs. We waited. And waited. The story of our
lives.
I braced myself as Peter came out of the courtroom, hoping
for the best, but fearing the worst. The answer wasn’t to be feared or hoped
for… it wasn’t anything. There wasn’t a decision that day. The judge was very angry with our
previous lawyer, John, because he had filed most, if not all of our papers
incorrectly! He revoked our petition for temporary custody that had been filed
earlier and put our agency back in legal custody of Jamal. He had made it clear
to our lawyer that he was ready to throw our case out because of all the
mistakes. Luckily, he granted Peter the opportunity to amend our documents and
include some that were missing and would then review them. Once again, this
amazing team delivered and had those papers done within a few hours!
(petting zoo)
We were confident we would have a ruling that week. We lived
each day on pins and needles, assuming by the end of the week we would either be
celebrating or grieving. I was
scared to schedule anything for fear I’d need to cancel all my plans. Each day
dragged on and on and still no word.
Those days stretched into more than two weeks of excruciating wondering and
life in limbo! I’ve had days of sadness and hopelessness, days of anxiety and
worry, days of anger and bitterness, and days where I just don’t care, or don’t
want to anyway. There have been rays of faith and hope as well; each day brings
a new wave of emotions. It is a hard balance as a mother, wanting to love this
little person and protect him and bond to him, but yet at the same time needing
to protect my heart and his. He has bonded to us and another transition might
be devastating for him if he becomes even closer to us. This is the age where
attachment disorders can come into play. I think, to him, we have become his family. He calls us mom
and dad and runs to his siblings with open arms!
So, my friends, this is where we leave off– hanging from a
cliff. Thank you for going the distance and reading our tale thus far, it’s
been quite a roller coaster. Stay tuned for the conclusion of this novella that
is our current life.
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