Enduring Trials Well

We all think life is hard…and it is! That is the point is it not? The whole reason we are here on Earth is to be tried, tested, stretched and strengthened. Many of us know this in our hearts, but when a real whopper of a trial strikes you, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, hard sometimes to feel Christ’s love for you or obtain clarity of how to endure. It is too easy to lose an eternal perspective along with love and compassion, which ushers in instead, bitterness, depression, and loss of hope. Without hope we have nothing.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell in his talk, But For a Small Moment, speaks of trials, “These realities are that God loves us and, loving us, has placed us here to cope with challenges which he will place before us. I'm not sure we can always understand the implications of his love, because his love will call us at times to do things we may wonder about, and we may be confronted with circumstances we would rather not face. I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us. He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know. He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like. And this will require us to accept with all our hearts—particularly your generation—the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives and that you have rendezvous to keep, individually and collectively. [He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve.]”

“Let me begin by reminding you that we so blithely say in the Church that life is a school, a testing ground. It is true, even though it is trite. What we don't accept are the implications of that true teaching—at least as fully as we should. One of the implications is that the tests that we face are real. They are not going to be things we can do with one hand tied behind our backs. They are real enough that if we meet them we shall know that we have felt them, because we will feel them deeply and keenly and pervasively.”

As our trials grow and continue we are pushed further and further to our breaking point; some of us reach that point while others surpass it. When we think we can endure no more, feel utterly lost. That’s the point where we really reach out to Heavenly Father. You might be arguing, “No I have been praying, I have been praying through ALL of it!” You may ask, “Where was the Lord then, why didn’t He help me?” The answer is that He was and is there, watching and waiting and assisting in unseen ways. I know there are trials so sever and so heart wrenching you may feel abandoned by the Lord, but he is aware of you and loves you, He is waiting with willing hands. In some of our darkest hours we sometimes stop looking for Him or stop listening closely enough for guidance and mistake that as being left on our own.

More often though, through prayer, scripture study, blessings and obeying commandments during our trials, we feel Heavenly Father’s love, very strongly, through comfort, peace and small whisperings or tender mercies.

He is leading us with baby steps, stepping as far as we are able in that moment. He can’t simply remove the trial and take it away or our chance to learn a valuable lesson is lost, but He does want us to succeed.  We may even have to take one step forward, and two backward at times as we tread the rough road to recovery.

We are nearing the end of the first phase of our trial with Jamal's adoption, but even after step one is complete, we know our road stretches on, we will have more miles to endure. Even if he does get to stay with us, we have some healing and adaptation to continue. However, I can say calmly, that I know all will be well, no matter the outcome. I’m not as scared anymore. Saddened at times, yes, but not as bitter, not as angry, and not wondering why. How did I get to this point? Through humility I guess.

I went through so many emotions daily these last few months. My weeks were literally an endless emotional rollercoaster. Here’s how it went-

Sunday: nervous anticipation and fear and hopeful.

Monday: Restlessness, fear, hope, anxiety.

Tuesday: A small bit of hope, scared, bitter, angry, and wondering.

Wednesday: Depressed, loss of hope, numb and sad.

Thursday: Hopeless, angry, sad, withdrawn.

Friday: Hopeless, depressed, no motivation for anything as I realized another week had passed.

Sat: Hopeful, excited for a new week, another chance at news, trying to be there for the kids and Jeremy and be alive.

 Then I’d start all over. Weeks and weeks turned into months  and months of this cycle. And each cycle I dug myself deeper and deeper into a pit of hopelessness! I lost my way, asked what the purpose of all this was and became a bitter person. I had put my trust and faith in Heavenly Father that He would direct these men- lawyers, judges, parents, etc… in the right direction and I let go, I knew it was out of my hands. “So why is it taking so long?!,” I wondered.

 Perhaps because we had more to learn and more to grow and needed more humility. Humility is of course the key to all spiritual knowledge and understanding. And you aren’t fully humbled with a full desire to listen until you hit your rock bottom.

Elder Maxwell continues, “A trap into which we can fall is that we may at times assume that the plan of salvation requires merely that we endure and survive when, in fact, as is always the case with the gospel of Jesus Christ, it is required of us, not only that we endure, but also that we endure well, that we exhibit “grace under pressure.” This is necessary, not only so that our own passage through the trial can be a growth experience, but also because (more than we know) there are always people watching to see if we can cope, who therefore may resolve to venture forth and to cope themselves. Every time we navigate safely on the strait and narrow way, there are other ships that are lost which can find their way because of our steady light.”

I truly hope Jeremy and I have exerted “grace under pressure” throughout this, but we can’t be the judges of that. I’ve had some pretty hard days, days in fact that required medications to reign me back in (but that’s a topic for another day and involves a talk by President Monson given in conference). We feel very strongly the love and prayers from so many that lift us up and inspire us. I hope and pray that through our trial there is something we have done or exemplified that may help others in their lives.

 We’ve had specs of enlightenment along the way. At one point we were directed to view things from the birth father’s perspective and have compassion and love for him and to imagine the roles reversed.

Just recently we have been shown another piece of this puzzle that needs to be resolved in order to move on. There are some tender feelings that need to be addressed, some healing and changing of hearts and minds to replace the fear with Christ’s love in the hearts of our children.

Like I said, our trial is not over, but we have at least found hope again and that is enough for now. I feel as though we are taking bigger steps with The Lord now than we were before.  I have felt compassion and love for all those involved and I know our eternal family will make it through this and will be protected and preserved. There is sure to be more pain and sadness along the way, but at least we have the light and knowledge we have been searching for and have answered unto the Lord, “Thy will be done.”