Sitting in Limbo - Jamal

In elementary school we used to play a math game in class that I dreaded. The basic idea is that one person would start at the beginning of the class (back in the day when you had rows, not table groups) and stand beside the person next in line. The teacher held up a flash card and the first person to yell the correct answer moved on down the line. I wasn’t great at math, certainly not quick at solving problems when under pressure. I would hunch down in my chair nervously watching the competition getting closer and closer to me. I tried hard, but I think at best I only advanced one seat in all the days we played we played that stupid game.

(Kai's Halloween costume from a few years ago)

I feel like I’m playing that game still today as we wait for the judge’s decision. I know an answer is coming, but I don’t know how soon, and I don’t know if I’m prepared anymore for whatever it is, good or bad. I’m just sitting here tense and scared every day. The fear of the unknown is taking its toll. No matter what the decision is we know our journey's not exactly over.

If Texas wins this case we lose Jamal, but then it’s a question of how long do we have with him, how does he go home, where does he end up, will we ever see him again, and what will his new life be like?

If Utah gets jurisdiction, what happens next? Does his birth father decide to bring the fight to Utah? How long will it take to sort things out, what are our odds of winning and can we afford financially and emotionally to fight?

All of this waiting is like having a classmate one row over. I’m waiting, hesitantly. Once we get a decision from the judge my classmate will move to the front of my row and head my way.  It’s not over yet, it’s just another step in this tangled web of anxiety and anticipation.

What will happen when I’m up, when it’s my turn and all is said and done? Will we be celebrating a victory as a family? Or will be cleaning up the ashes, staying in our chair?

If worst comes to worst, I can say with conviction that it won’t affect my faith or testimony. Yes, it would be incredibly difficult to bear and our kids and family might never be the same, but it doesn’t change the fact that Heavenly Father still loves my family and I. We don’t understand everything that happens in our lives, but that’s ok. Maybe someday we will.

We realized that we have so many people praying for us and wishing us the best possible outcome; prayers in our sacred temples, people all over the US and even in other countries, and people of all different faiths. Prayer is a powerful thing and we feel the love of so many standing behind us. We thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. Our biggest hope and prayer for all of you is that if we do lose Jamal, that it won’t affect your faith and trust in God. As much as we beg and plead with the Lord, sometimes the answer will always be a no, no matter how fervently, how long, and how sincere our prayers.

In the meantime, we are still praying for the best (trying to keep our hope alive) and ask all of you to do the same. Let us trust that we will reach the next step in our journey soon.