Happy 2014!

Happy new year and all that jazz! Instead of coming in with a bang, I've sort of stumbled over into this new year. I guess I still have a hang over of sorts from recent life events; we are trying to get back to a new normal around our house.

But let's talk about that looming topic that comes with each new year...

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!

As humans we are always trying to better ourselves and our circumstances in life, to move forward with a new purpose, it's in our nature. Whether we realize it or not, track our progress, set and measure goals or not. That being said, we can be much more productive and successful if we do decide to write some goals or intentions down and focus on a few things each new year that we want to improve or complete.

What are your new years resolutions?

Mine are:
1. Be better at family scripture study
2. Build up my children's self esteem and spend more quality time with them
3. Journal more often so that we can remember our life's events and special moments. Which includes printing out important blog posts to add to my private journaling.

That's it. It's still quite a big task, but did you notice I haven't set any specific parameters on any of them? I'm not saying I will study scriptures every night, because let's face that's not going to happen. Life gets busy, we have late nights or sick kids. So yes, there will be plenty of night we skip and that's perfectly fine with me as long as I keep trying to fit it in with the family more often than not.

Number two involves a lot of different elements, but again, I'm not committing to spending a half hour a day learning abc's with Nicole, or sitting in a room with Natalie making sure she practices piano everyday, or learning 2 new origami creations with Kai each week. I can show my kids I love them in smaller ways, cheer them on and support them daily with simple acts. It's the little things that matter the most.

Notice how nothing about exercise or fitting into a certain size by such and such date didn't even make my list?! I know it's important to take care of our bodies, and I do exercise occasionally when I am healthy enough to do so and when I only have one child at home that exercises around me in circles at the same time. This year I know I need to be gentle with myself, do what I can and take small steps in regaining the body I want and used to have.

Setting goals is not about being perfect or stressing ourselves out. We should merely recognize our weak areas and acknowledge our intent to do better. If you are a serious go- getter, than by all means set a way to track your progress and invent ways to remind yourself daily of your goals. If you're like me, a little more mellow and relaxed, try to re-visit your goals once a month as a gentle reminder and keep trying your best.

The most important thing is to not set goals that are unattainable or impossible to achieve. I won't set very specific goals with certain numbers of times or exact deadlines because the first time I miss I will feel like a failure. Unfortunately one major flaw as humans, especially women, is that we are way too hard on ourselves!

This year let's try and lift our own self esteem. Instead of, "I didn't exercise today and I had a huge brownie with ice cream, I guess I'm always going to be a fat, failure!"

Say this, "Well, today I enjoyed life and even indulged a little, but I rested my body, and guess what? I'm still awesome and beautiful! Tomorrow I'll exercise as planned."

I hope this year brings great things for all of you! Again, I ask, what are your resolutions? Are you thinking of changing or re-vamping any of them after reading this? Leave a comment below or pin this post if someone you know feels like a failure when setting new years resolutions!

Merry Christmas

Tomorrow we celebrate a special day! Our kids are so anxious to open presents and play with new toys. But we have one present to open tomorrow that is the best of all. Every year we wrap a box and write a message: our gift to Jesus. We promise to do something all month to honor and be like Him. Some examples have been: be nice to my sister, or do chores without complaining, etc. They may forget here and there, but they do make a noticeable effort to be kinder to each other and more obedient.

My gift this year (while enduring the waiting) was to have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and to accept and follow that plan. It is clear now which path we are to take. We will always have a special memory of our 4th child, but now we can move forward with the three beautiful children that are still here with us. They too, have sacrificed so much along the way. There have been and are still to come, so many teaching moments in this trial. It has brought us closer together as a family.

Whatever your beliefs, my hope is that we can all show more love and compassion to those around us. Not just in the next few days, try to carry the holiday spirit with you into the new year. We are so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. We love and appreciate you all and wish you a Merry Christmas! 

The Nelsons

What can I give Him,

Poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd

I would bring a lamb.

If I were a Wise Man

I would do my part,

Yet what can I give Him?

Give my heart

-Christina Rossetti-

Our celebration of Christmas should be a reflection of the love and selflessness taught by the Savior. Giving, not getting, brings to full bloom the Christmas spirit. We feel more kindly one to another. We reach out in love to help those less fortunate. Our hearts are softened. Enemies are forgiven, friends remembered, and God obeyed. The spirit of Christmas illuminates the picture window of the soul, and we look out upon the world’s busy life and become more interested in people than in things. To catch the real meaning of the spirit of Christmas, we need only drop the last syllable, and it becomes the Spirit of Christ.

How much better the world would be if we all gave gifts of understanding and compassion, of service and friendship, of kindness and gentleness.

President Thomas S. Monson

You can read his entire talk here 

A Sinking Ship - Our Adoption Saga Continued

It’s been a week since Jamal left our home.

Obviously a writer never wants to spoil the ending and so it’s best not to continue our story this way, but most of you know the ending anyway. But I know you want the details of how we got here, so let’s back up. Back to Mid September where I left you all biting your nails.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a Utah lawyer

………

Sept 30^th to Oct 15^th:

How do you live your life in limbo, wondering each day if this child you love and care for will be with you next week or even next month? I began to think what it must be like for parents of children with a terminal illness. I don’t know how they cope and make it through such an ordeal. Life is frozen. You don’t make any plans, you torture yourself with wanting to give them all the love and attention you can, but also naturally backing away to protect your heart. Your nerves are frayed, patience thin, worn down in every way. It’s a daily rollercoaster of emotion. Up and down and up and down, until you’re nauseous and want to jump off.

Luckily we had some reinforcements during that time to help ease the strain. Jeremy’s parents took the kids overnight so we could have a break and they did some activities with the kids and with us. They gave us some breaks to catch our breath and recharge. My mom also came to give me a much-needed time out. She took care of just about everything- cooking, cleaning, homework with kids, wrangling Jamal and Nicole during the day, etc, but most importantly, emotional support for all of us.

Wed Oct 16^th:

We heard news that was hard to swallow that day. We found out that the Judge in Texas had sent our judge a very firm statement that he would not, nor would he ever, relinquish jurisdiction over to Utah. On top of that, Jack had now retained a lawyer here in Utah. Our lawyer told us this was all obviously very bad news for us and didn’t know how it would affect our case. By this point Jeremy and I were getting better at dealing with bad news, it was discouraging, but it didn’t mean we had lost or that we were giving up hope. We remembered how many people were praying for us and hung on to that.

You need to remember that we went into this from the beginning with a fight, determined to protect Jamal; believing he was better off in our family. The only information we had about Jack at this point was what the birth mother had told the agency. And let’s just say it wasn’t what we would want any child to live with or go back to.

The fact that he had now hired a lawyer out here made us begin to question things. Was he doing this out of spite? Out of pride? Was there another family member that was driving this and not the birth father? Or…does he really love his son and want him back? We wished we had more information in order to gauge what his motives were. Hiring a lawyer here didn’t exactly prove it was for the right reasons, but with the expense of doing so we began to wonder.

Back in September our family and Jeremy and I fasted and prayed together. Jeremy and I felt very strongly to look at things from the father’s perspective. It made me think that despite motives or reasoning, it was still his son and he knew nothing about us or where Jamal was. If that were the case with one of our children I would be terrified! I felt inspired to write him a personal letter, to try and reach out to him. In that letter I introduced our family, assured him that Jamal was safe and sound and deeply loved and cared for. I also made it clear that if Jamal was adopted into our family, he would certainly be welcome to be a part of Jamal’s life. I also sent our adoption profile and pictures of Jamal with our family. I hoped this would ease his conscience so he could let go of any pride, anger or fear, but also worried that it might make him even more upset and determined to fight. We never heard a response so I feared it had done the latter, given the new developments.

Oct 17^th – 30^th:

We all thought that we would hear something soon now that the Texas judge had submitted his official opinion to our judge. We got back to normal life, our life of anxiety; trying to stay busy and chugging along through the mists of the unknown, just waiting.  School. Waiting. Homework. Waiting. Doctor appointments. Waiting.  Church. Waiting. Bonding. Endless waiting!

Oct 31^st:

Halloween was a fun day! The kids had their school parties so we did makeup and costumes before school, and I got to help in Kai’s class party that afternoon. After school I got all the kids in costumes for pictures. It was and will be a special memory for me. We’ve had this little pumpkin costume since Kai was a baby and each one of our kids have worn it their first Halloween. Jamal was so small that it actually fit him. It was perfect. I knew this was the first Halloween Jamal would remember and was so glad we got to share that with him. We went trick or treating and he was so surprised at the first house. He got a sucker; he pulled it out of his bucket and stared at it then smiled and waived it at us. He was so excited he didn’t want to put it back in. He did the same thing at the next house, just marveling how all these people were giving him candy. Inspecting each one and showing us with excitement. It didn’t take long for him to catch on and once he did he was off and running to keep up with his siblings, door to door. We brought the stroller in case he got tired, but he never used it. He wanted in on this trick or treating thing. It was so fun to watch how happy and excited he was.

Nov 1st – 13^th:

This was a very difficult time. We knew that legally the judge had 60 days to make a ruling, and we didn’t, for one second, believe he would use every last day, but the clock kept on ticking by.

During this time Jeremy and I both got new church callings. I was called as a girl’s camp director. I thought this was some witty irony on the Lord’s part, considering the fact that I hated girl’s camp when I was younger and only went twice. Jeremy was called as second counselor in the Bishopric, a very demanding and time -consuming calling. We also had family pictures done. I was so worried about losing Jamal that I wanted memories of him as a part of our family.

Lots of changes were happening and my anxiety and depression were worsening daily; I began to shut down and shut people out. Ben informed us that the deadline could come and go if the judge was still working on our case! We didn’t even know if he had been working on it, which was infuriating! I didn’t want to go to any activities or be very social because I didn’t want to talk about it. I was just angry that we had to go through this, hopelessly thinking there was no end in sight.

Nov 7^th:

Nicole had her tonsils out that day. The plan was for Jeremy to check her in, while I dropped Kai and Natalie off at school and Jamal to the sitter and then meet him there before her surgery. Simple, right?!

Natalie was having a hard day and crying that she didn’t want to go to school. And not just a tiny fit. She followed me all over the house, clung to my leg, hid under my dresser, begged, screamed, cried. She wanted to come with me (kids aren’t allowed at the hospital), or stay home by herself, or go with Jamal, anything but go to school. Her poor, tiny body had had enough anxiety and stress, she was a melting pot boiling over that day too.

We had had several days of this over the past month, some days I let her stay home, some days I had to send a picture of me with her to school, other days I would tell her to just try and make it a half day.

Anyway, I went about my morning with her on my heels until I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to explain that if it was her in the hospital she would want me to be there and that if she stayed home from school I wouldn’t be able to go be with Nicole. It didn’t phase her. I gave up, waived my white flag. In a moment of bad, exasperated parenting I yelled at her, “Fine, stay home! Because of you I don’t get to go help Nicole at the hospital!” I shut myself in the bathroom and cried, and texted Jeremy that I wasn’t coming. I really wanted to be there for several reasons, but one of them is because Nicole has always preferred Jeremy over me, she bonded most to him right away and we’ve been working on that ever since. Once again, I thought, in my twisted mind, Jeremy gets to be her hero and I won’t even be there!

When I sent Kai out the door (25 min later than planned) I think Natalie realized what was really happening and popped out of her room ready for school. I, not very nicely, said goodbye and shut the door.  Then I got a text from Jeremy that the doctors had already taken Nicole back into surgery. I felt horrible, like I had already missed everything. Jeremy re-assured me it was fine and to come.

I got in my car and he texted that Nicole was already done and would be back to her room in a while. I started driving but didn’t make it very far. I had to pull over and just cry. Which emotionally unstable kid needed me more today? Natalie or Nicole? I had failed both, or so I believed. I just couldn’t take any more stress. Once I finally got my head on straight I decided I could at least be there to help Nicole at the hospital and made my way there.

I got there just as they were bringing her into her room. She was in pain and crying, I tried to give her a popsicle. I felt so bad for her and guilty for not being there that morning and guilty for treating Natalie the way I had and stressed about the adoption. That was my breaking point, it all came crashing down and emotions spewed out of me like a tidal wave. I had the biggest, and scariest panic attack of my life. I was so scared that they would commit me right there and then, but on the one hand it sounded so nice. I just wanted a break, from everything! I begged Jeremy to call our doctor, I needed something to calm me down. I couldn’t even breathe. Luckily I had my anxiety pills in my purse and took the dose recommended to calm me right away. It helped slowly. There were a lot of attentive nurses that took over while I panicked and Jeremy made phone calls and tried to help me. More people in this world that probably think I’m insane. Great. Hopefully Nicole was too drugged to remember her mom falling apart that day.

One of those nurses was an angel in disguise that day though. I told her about our adoption situation and she told me she had gone through something similar years ago and ended up losing her daughter. Even though it was so many years ago she was still tearing up. I found talking to her about her experience really helped me feel better in that moment, to know that someone else had experienced what I was going through, all the pain and frustration.

The next few days we felt defeated and down. All of us. I realized that at this point none of us were very happy or hopeful. Jeremy and I said a prayer on the 13^th asking Heavenly Father if we should continue this fight. We didn’t know if our family could endure anymore. The answer was yes, for now we were supposed to move forward, one step at a time. But we also knew in our hearts that we were going to lose Jamal. I had those nagging feelings from the very beginning, but never wanted to give up hope or believe that would ever happen.

We used that time (waiting for the 60^th day) to talk with the kids more about the possibility of him leaving and asked them each what they would want to do with him if he had to go. We talked about free agency and how Jamal wasn’t really ours to begin with, that ultimately he belonged to Heavenly Father.

Thurs Nov 14^th:

Day 59. We found out that’s Jack’s Utah attorney, Damien, had requested an extension to file more papers! He had a death in the family and was asking for a few days. We were “this close!” However, a few more days seemed like nothing compared to the months already endured.

I went into pretend mode. Pretend that Jamal would be here forever and that there was nothing going on. Moved on with life, lived each day and tried to be grateful for the time we had left with him.

Thurs Nov 21^st:

We saw the papers filed by Damien. Within them was the birth father’s story, complete with documentation. We were shocked, saddened and confused. There had been so many lies and different stories, but we felt this was finally the truth and it wasn’t pretty. It was so far from what the birth mother had said that it took a while to process. We felt so bad for the birth father, but didn’t know what to do. We knew we needed to wait on the judge though, until then we were stuck. The feeling that we were going to lose Jamal became very real. We also knew our chances of hearing an answer from the judge  at that point were zero until after Thanksgiving. Another week and a half to wait…

Fri Nov 22^nd:

We celebrated Jamal’s second birthday with Jeremy’s parents. We had cake and ice cream, balloons, and presents. It was a fun little celebration. Jeremy’s mom gave him a mother goose doll that tells stories. As soon as he pulled it out of the bag he began attacking Kai and Natalie with it like it was some sort of sword or weapon. It was hilarious. Jeremy’s mom tried to show him that it told stories and that it was cute.. and soft.. and nice! He grabbed it and started whacking people all over again. What can I say, he’s a boy who had watched super hero cartoons with Kai maybe one time too many.

Sat Nov 28^th:

We celebrated Thanksgiving with Jeremy’s family and siblings. It was so nice to be together and have a relaxing break, although poor Natalie was sick all day with the flu. We had family pictures done again that day. This time without Jamal. We needed a new family picture with our alternate ending in sight.

Wed Dec 4^th:

We finally heard SOMETHING! Damien had requested a new hearing with the judge prior to Thanksgiving. We wished we had heard that little piece of news before the holiday, but whatever, it would’ve just given us more days to fret. The hearing was set for the next wed, the 11^th.  We were nervous, but this was much better than waiting with no word, at least something was happening. We were ready, ready for this nightmare of waiting to be over, one way or the other. Obviously we hoped and prayed there was a way Jamal would be able to stay with us, but deep down we knew the truth and what might come. 

I thought I could finish our story in one sitting, but there is just too much. Much too much. So this is enough for now.

Halloween Photo Shoot

I know Halloween is over, but I took the kid's "real" pictures right before dinner so I'm going to go ahead and post the pictures anyway.  

Jamal is wearing our traditional pumpkin costume, all 3 of our other kids wore that very same pumpkin their first halloweens.  We got lucky, it is a 9-12 mo costume, but he still managed to fit inside the black bodysuit! The older kids did great going house to house. Jamal was a little confused at first, but caught on very quick, and once he did he was running to keep up with them all night. He was the cutest pumpkin you ever did see. He was so proud of every candy he got. He would hold it out and show us with the biggest grin on his face. It was pretty cute! He wasn't too sure about Natalie and Kai's face paint though, he was pretty scared of Kai at first.

Here's what you get with 3 bored, tired -of- taking- pictures kids, a toddler who ran away 100 times and  Natalie's cat that followers her EVERYWHERE and won't get out of the way!

The kitty and her cat. ; )

Halloween fun - Mad Lib Style

I loved Mad Libs as a kid and now my kids do too. I'm helping at my son's Halloween party tomorrow and wrote one of my own for our activity. Here it is if you'd like a fun activity to do with your kids tonight or tomorrow.  My formatting went wacky when I transferred here, sorry.

Enjoy nonetheless!

It was a cold and windy Halloween night, the mountains hidden

beneath a layer of  ____________, and ____________ blowing off

             noun                         noun

the trees.  Sidewalks were full of children trick or treating, dressed as

     _____________(s), and  ____________(s),  and _____________(s).

costume                      costume                         costume

Lucy couldn’t wait to go trick or treating, she hoped to fill her bag with lots of candy. At the first house an old man with a big ___________

                                                         adjective

(noun)__________ on his nose put a _____________ in her bag. Lucy was

                             type of candy

so excited. At the next house an old women, who looked like a witch gave her _________________s.

      type of candies

On the way to the 3^rd house a black ____________ crossed her path.

                                  animal

This is bad luck she thought. No one answered the door at the next three houses, and the next few houses after that were only giving out healthy _____________(s).

                                                                                         food

It seemed like no one was home, and no one was handing out real candy this year. Lucy was beginning to think her night couldn’t get any worse. It was almost time to go home and she hardly had any (noun) ________. Just then a group of children came by warning her to turn

      

around. “There is a giant pumpkin chasing kids and stealing their candy! I’d keep an eye out if I were you, it will grab your ____________ and run away!”

                   noun

Lucy thought about giving up and going home with the little candy she had, but she was determined. Off she went, house to house. Still no luck! All she got were/was _______________, _______________,

Food                     noun

and ______________s.

         plural noun

She felt like someone was _____________ her.

                                         verb

She looked over her should and saw the giant _____________!

                                                                                 noun

She began to (verb)  _____________ as fast as she could, but the pumpkin

                               

was faster and grabber her bag. “No!” she shouted. “Give that back, it’s mine!” The (adjective)_________________ pumpkin said, “I will trade you, here is

                           

my bag.” Lucy could hardly lift the bag it was so heavy and so full of candy. “Why are you giving all this to me?” she asked.

“Because I just wanted the healthy ____________s, not the candy.  

                                    food

I ate all the healthy (Plural noun) _____________s out of all the bags and now I’m

                                  

full. I’m going home to bed. You better be on your way too, I hear there is a mummy wandering around stealing all the candy.” He winked at her as he left. Lucy dragged the (adjective) ______________ bag home

                                                                      

thinking she was the luckiest ______________ in the world!

                              noun

Happy Halloween!

It was a fun Mario themed Halloween for our clan. We had a great couple of days with Jeremy's work party yesterday, and class parties/ parade, and trick or treating today. But it's been a long month with Natalie's broken elbow/ surgery and a holiday. I'm glad all the Halloween stuff is over.

Check out these cuties! Natalie's pink cast even matches her dress.

This Mario catches air!

Well...until next year. 

Pickin' Pumkpins

The pumpkin patch near our home has been upgrading it's features every year and I think this year was the best yet. They had a petting zoo, a maze, a hay bale tower, hay rides and a corn pit.

Natalie loved the corn, especially sticking it in her ears! Every time I turned around she was trying to stuff more in her ears. She even tried to stuff some in Kai's ears when he was buried.  Kai also liked climbing the tower.

Trying to get pictures of my own three kids is so hard. Here are my best attempts: on the hay ride, in the corn, and out in the field. Kai with his pumpkin.

Happy 4th of July Weekend

Have a safe weekend everyone. Happy 4th of July!

Merry Christmas!

Well, I wrapped up all my holiday photo orders for clients and had ONE available day to do pictures of my own children. The setting wasn't ideal (none of us slept the night before, kids were hungry and tired, yawning, pouting, you name it), but we rocked it out anyway. Literally, I tried to make it into a dance party to wake them up a little.  

I will be posting more of these in the next few days.

 I hope you are all enjoying this holiday season. I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and give a special thank you to all my wonderful clients. It's been a great year getting to know you all. Thank you for inviting me to capture some memories for an afternoon, I hope you will treasure them. I also hope to see you all back again next year! : )

Meet our newest edition: Sylvester!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Haunting everyone!

Halloween

Since I already had a sitting at the pumpkin patch I told Jeremy to dress the kids up in their costumes and bring them on over. My kids lasted about 5 minutes in front of the camera before  they couldn't wait to go pick out their own pumpkins! We had a fun day carving pumpkins with Jeremy's siblings; I'll post pictures of our carved pumpkins later.  

Meet: Iron Man and Cinderella!

Look at those muscles!


Isn't she the cutest princess ever?