A Sinking Ship - Our Adoption Saga Continued

It’s been a week since Jamal left our home.

Obviously a writer never wants to spoil the ending and so it’s best not to continue our story this way, but most of you know the ending anyway. But I know you want the details of how we got here, so let’s back up. Back to Mid September where I left you all biting your nails.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a Utah lawyer

………

Sept 30^th to Oct 15^th:

How do you live your life in limbo, wondering each day if this child you love and care for will be with you next week or even next month? I began to think what it must be like for parents of children with a terminal illness. I don’t know how they cope and make it through such an ordeal. Life is frozen. You don’t make any plans, you torture yourself with wanting to give them all the love and attention you can, but also naturally backing away to protect your heart. Your nerves are frayed, patience thin, worn down in every way. It’s a daily rollercoaster of emotion. Up and down and up and down, until you’re nauseous and want to jump off.

Luckily we had some reinforcements during that time to help ease the strain. Jeremy’s parents took the kids overnight so we could have a break and they did some activities with the kids and with us. They gave us some breaks to catch our breath and recharge. My mom also came to give me a much-needed time out. She took care of just about everything- cooking, cleaning, homework with kids, wrangling Jamal and Nicole during the day, etc, but most importantly, emotional support for all of us.

Wed Oct 16^th:

We heard news that was hard to swallow that day. We found out that the Judge in Texas had sent our judge a very firm statement that he would not, nor would he ever, relinquish jurisdiction over to Utah. On top of that, Jack had now retained a lawyer here in Utah. Our lawyer told us this was all obviously very bad news for us and didn’t know how it would affect our case. By this point Jeremy and I were getting better at dealing with bad news, it was discouraging, but it didn’t mean we had lost or that we were giving up hope. We remembered how many people were praying for us and hung on to that.

You need to remember that we went into this from the beginning with a fight, determined to protect Jamal; believing he was better off in our family. The only information we had about Jack at this point was what the birth mother had told the agency. And let’s just say it wasn’t what we would want any child to live with or go back to.

The fact that he had now hired a lawyer out here made us begin to question things. Was he doing this out of spite? Out of pride? Was there another family member that was driving this and not the birth father? Or…does he really love his son and want him back? We wished we had more information in order to gauge what his motives were. Hiring a lawyer here didn’t exactly prove it was for the right reasons, but with the expense of doing so we began to wonder.

Back in September our family and Jeremy and I fasted and prayed together. Jeremy and I felt very strongly to look at things from the father’s perspective. It made me think that despite motives or reasoning, it was still his son and he knew nothing about us or where Jamal was. If that were the case with one of our children I would be terrified! I felt inspired to write him a personal letter, to try and reach out to him. In that letter I introduced our family, assured him that Jamal was safe and sound and deeply loved and cared for. I also made it clear that if Jamal was adopted into our family, he would certainly be welcome to be a part of Jamal’s life. I also sent our adoption profile and pictures of Jamal with our family. I hoped this would ease his conscience so he could let go of any pride, anger or fear, but also worried that it might make him even more upset and determined to fight. We never heard a response so I feared it had done the latter, given the new developments.

Oct 17^th – 30^th:

We all thought that we would hear something soon now that the Texas judge had submitted his official opinion to our judge. We got back to normal life, our life of anxiety; trying to stay busy and chugging along through the mists of the unknown, just waiting.  School. Waiting. Homework. Waiting. Doctor appointments. Waiting.  Church. Waiting. Bonding. Endless waiting!

Oct 31^st:

Halloween was a fun day! The kids had their school parties so we did makeup and costumes before school, and I got to help in Kai’s class party that afternoon. After school I got all the kids in costumes for pictures. It was and will be a special memory for me. We’ve had this little pumpkin costume since Kai was a baby and each one of our kids have worn it their first Halloween. Jamal was so small that it actually fit him. It was perfect. I knew this was the first Halloween Jamal would remember and was so glad we got to share that with him. We went trick or treating and he was so surprised at the first house. He got a sucker; he pulled it out of his bucket and stared at it then smiled and waived it at us. He was so excited he didn’t want to put it back in. He did the same thing at the next house, just marveling how all these people were giving him candy. Inspecting each one and showing us with excitement. It didn’t take long for him to catch on and once he did he was off and running to keep up with his siblings, door to door. We brought the stroller in case he got tired, but he never used it. He wanted in on this trick or treating thing. It was so fun to watch how happy and excited he was.

Nov 1st – 13^th:

This was a very difficult time. We knew that legally the judge had 60 days to make a ruling, and we didn’t, for one second, believe he would use every last day, but the clock kept on ticking by.

During this time Jeremy and I both got new church callings. I was called as a girl’s camp director. I thought this was some witty irony on the Lord’s part, considering the fact that I hated girl’s camp when I was younger and only went twice. Jeremy was called as second counselor in the Bishopric, a very demanding and time -consuming calling. We also had family pictures done. I was so worried about losing Jamal that I wanted memories of him as a part of our family.

Lots of changes were happening and my anxiety and depression were worsening daily; I began to shut down and shut people out. Ben informed us that the deadline could come and go if the judge was still working on our case! We didn’t even know if he had been working on it, which was infuriating! I didn’t want to go to any activities or be very social because I didn’t want to talk about it. I was just angry that we had to go through this, hopelessly thinking there was no end in sight.

Nov 7^th:

Nicole had her tonsils out that day. The plan was for Jeremy to check her in, while I dropped Kai and Natalie off at school and Jamal to the sitter and then meet him there before her surgery. Simple, right?!

Natalie was having a hard day and crying that she didn’t want to go to school. And not just a tiny fit. She followed me all over the house, clung to my leg, hid under my dresser, begged, screamed, cried. She wanted to come with me (kids aren’t allowed at the hospital), or stay home by herself, or go with Jamal, anything but go to school. Her poor, tiny body had had enough anxiety and stress, she was a melting pot boiling over that day too.

We had had several days of this over the past month, some days I let her stay home, some days I had to send a picture of me with her to school, other days I would tell her to just try and make it a half day.

Anyway, I went about my morning with her on my heels until I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to explain that if it was her in the hospital she would want me to be there and that if she stayed home from school I wouldn’t be able to go be with Nicole. It didn’t phase her. I gave up, waived my white flag. In a moment of bad, exasperated parenting I yelled at her, “Fine, stay home! Because of you I don’t get to go help Nicole at the hospital!” I shut myself in the bathroom and cried, and texted Jeremy that I wasn’t coming. I really wanted to be there for several reasons, but one of them is because Nicole has always preferred Jeremy over me, she bonded most to him right away and we’ve been working on that ever since. Once again, I thought, in my twisted mind, Jeremy gets to be her hero and I won’t even be there!

When I sent Kai out the door (25 min later than planned) I think Natalie realized what was really happening and popped out of her room ready for school. I, not very nicely, said goodbye and shut the door.  Then I got a text from Jeremy that the doctors had already taken Nicole back into surgery. I felt horrible, like I had already missed everything. Jeremy re-assured me it was fine and to come.

I got in my car and he texted that Nicole was already done and would be back to her room in a while. I started driving but didn’t make it very far. I had to pull over and just cry. Which emotionally unstable kid needed me more today? Natalie or Nicole? I had failed both, or so I believed. I just couldn’t take any more stress. Once I finally got my head on straight I decided I could at least be there to help Nicole at the hospital and made my way there.

I got there just as they were bringing her into her room. She was in pain and crying, I tried to give her a popsicle. I felt so bad for her and guilty for not being there that morning and guilty for treating Natalie the way I had and stressed about the adoption. That was my breaking point, it all came crashing down and emotions spewed out of me like a tidal wave. I had the biggest, and scariest panic attack of my life. I was so scared that they would commit me right there and then, but on the one hand it sounded so nice. I just wanted a break, from everything! I begged Jeremy to call our doctor, I needed something to calm me down. I couldn’t even breathe. Luckily I had my anxiety pills in my purse and took the dose recommended to calm me right away. It helped slowly. There were a lot of attentive nurses that took over while I panicked and Jeremy made phone calls and tried to help me. More people in this world that probably think I’m insane. Great. Hopefully Nicole was too drugged to remember her mom falling apart that day.

One of those nurses was an angel in disguise that day though. I told her about our adoption situation and she told me she had gone through something similar years ago and ended up losing her daughter. Even though it was so many years ago she was still tearing up. I found talking to her about her experience really helped me feel better in that moment, to know that someone else had experienced what I was going through, all the pain and frustration.

The next few days we felt defeated and down. All of us. I realized that at this point none of us were very happy or hopeful. Jeremy and I said a prayer on the 13^th asking Heavenly Father if we should continue this fight. We didn’t know if our family could endure anymore. The answer was yes, for now we were supposed to move forward, one step at a time. But we also knew in our hearts that we were going to lose Jamal. I had those nagging feelings from the very beginning, but never wanted to give up hope or believe that would ever happen.

We used that time (waiting for the 60^th day) to talk with the kids more about the possibility of him leaving and asked them each what they would want to do with him if he had to go. We talked about free agency and how Jamal wasn’t really ours to begin with, that ultimately he belonged to Heavenly Father.

Thurs Nov 14^th:

Day 59. We found out that’s Jack’s Utah attorney, Damien, had requested an extension to file more papers! He had a death in the family and was asking for a few days. We were “this close!” However, a few more days seemed like nothing compared to the months already endured.

I went into pretend mode. Pretend that Jamal would be here forever and that there was nothing going on. Moved on with life, lived each day and tried to be grateful for the time we had left with him.

Thurs Nov 21^st:

We saw the papers filed by Damien. Within them was the birth father’s story, complete with documentation. We were shocked, saddened and confused. There had been so many lies and different stories, but we felt this was finally the truth and it wasn’t pretty. It was so far from what the birth mother had said that it took a while to process. We felt so bad for the birth father, but didn’t know what to do. We knew we needed to wait on the judge though, until then we were stuck. The feeling that we were going to lose Jamal became very real. We also knew our chances of hearing an answer from the judge  at that point were zero until after Thanksgiving. Another week and a half to wait…

Fri Nov 22^nd:

We celebrated Jamal’s second birthday with Jeremy’s parents. We had cake and ice cream, balloons, and presents. It was a fun little celebration. Jeremy’s mom gave him a mother goose doll that tells stories. As soon as he pulled it out of the bag he began attacking Kai and Natalie with it like it was some sort of sword or weapon. It was hilarious. Jeremy’s mom tried to show him that it told stories and that it was cute.. and soft.. and nice! He grabbed it and started whacking people all over again. What can I say, he’s a boy who had watched super hero cartoons with Kai maybe one time too many.

Sat Nov 28^th:

We celebrated Thanksgiving with Jeremy’s family and siblings. It was so nice to be together and have a relaxing break, although poor Natalie was sick all day with the flu. We had family pictures done again that day. This time without Jamal. We needed a new family picture with our alternate ending in sight.

Wed Dec 4^th:

We finally heard SOMETHING! Damien had requested a new hearing with the judge prior to Thanksgiving. We wished we had heard that little piece of news before the holiday, but whatever, it would’ve just given us more days to fret. The hearing was set for the next wed, the 11^th.  We were nervous, but this was much better than waiting with no word, at least something was happening. We were ready, ready for this nightmare of waiting to be over, one way or the other. Obviously we hoped and prayed there was a way Jamal would be able to stay with us, but deep down we knew the truth and what might come. 

I thought I could finish our story in one sitting, but there is just too much. Much too much. So this is enough for now.

A Letter to Take Home

Dear Samir (Jamal),

That’s what we called you while you stayed with us: Jamal Antoine Nelson.  Only Heaven knows the reason you came to us for those few months, but we were sure blessed by your presence here in our home. We all welcomed you with open arms and loved you like you were our own son. Your dad missed out on this time of your life and you were so young I don’t know if you would even remember, so I thought we would leave you with a memory of those few precious months we spent with you. Hopefully someday your dad will share this with you.

When we brought you home that first night you didn’t even cry. You explored the house and played with toys and were so excited when your siblings  (we thought we were going to be able to adopt you) came home.  Kai, Natalie and Nicole were so happy to have a little brother at last after months and months of prayers.

You all got along right off the bat, playing, causing mischief and getting into things. Kai loved to play light sabers with you and watch tv with you. He would play wii and let you hold a remote and pretend to play.  He loved to hug and snuggle you and loved having a little brother! He would show you off to all his friends. He liked playing baseball with you and playing outside with you. He folded you a few origami creations, but you tried to eat them.

(Kai teaching him to skateboard)

Natalie liked to read to you, play with you, play games, give you piggy back rides, and dress you up as a princess I’m afraid.  She would tickle you and chase you and play hide and seek. She pretended to be your school teacher, and covered you with kisses and hugs. She was so excited to have someone in the room right next to hers. She always wanted to help wake you up and get you dressed or tuck you into bed. She taught you how to pet and play with our cat Sylvester so you weren’t scared of him. She played you music and danced with you and pushed you around in a stroller. She was like a second mom to you. Always wanting to help do anything she could.

 (Pretending to play baseball. Natalie was sad about Jamal one day so I let her stay home from school to play with him. This was pretty darn cute, I had to snag a picture with my phone.)

(The girls dressed him up as a "tennis star.")

Nicole Loved having a buddy to play with at home while the big kids were at school. It was good for her to start to learn how to share. You loved playing with her play kitchen and food and would make meals for me to eat. You two played barbies, although sometimes you used yours as a gun or a sword instead, but she didn’t seem to mind. You two watched movies together, wrestled and tickled each other. You loved to give her hugs and kisses and jump on her. Everywhere she went so did you. You got in trouble for always following her into the bathroom even! She also liked to dress you up as a princess and play make believe with you. You two did fight a lot over toys though. If she had something, you wanted it too.

(Playing after the big kids went off to school. They wanted backpacks like Kai and Natalie.)

I loved the afternoons we would walk to pick up the kids from school. As soon as you saw Kai and Natalie you would run down the sidewalk screaming their names and open your arms wide for hugs and kisses.

You were a picky eater at first and didn’t eat much. You liked to just play with your food, scooting it back and forth on your high chair. I watched you once pick out every single chocolate chip from a granola bar and put them in a pile to save the best for last. You loved fruit, especially bananas, but also grapes, oranges, and apples. You would eat an apple slice like a watermelon and leave the peel, it was pretty cute.  One of your favorites was oatmeal. You finally learned how to eat a sandwich the right way without it being cut into small pieces. You would just pick holes all over the bread and not take any real bites when we first tried giving you half a sandwich. You took a long time to eat and at first it was hard to tell when you done, eventually we worked on sign language to tell us. That worked for a while and then you moved into the stage of dumping things on the floor or putting your plate on your head and such. It became very clear when you were done eating.  But you were so polite always saying please and thank you! You did great using a fork, spoon and cup.

You were so small when you came home, still wearing size 12 month clothes. We would put on a pair of 18 months shorts and they would fall right off you (which you thought was hilarious). You gained a pound a month though and grew into those 18 mo clothes by the end.

You were a great sleeper, we’d put you to bed at 8pm along with the rest of the clan,  sleep until about 6:30 am and then you would have a 1-2 hour nap at 12:30 in the afternoon. You slept in a twin bed in your own room. We worried at first that you might need a crib, but from night 1 you slept just fine in a big boy bed. You wouldn’t go to sleep unless you had your stuffed monkey in your arms, Mickey Mouse on the bed and a small fleece blanket next to you though.

You had a serious shoe obsession. Any time you spotted a pair of shoes you would put them on and walk around the house. Even when visitors came over we would have to go hunt for their shoes or find you wearing them.  You also discovered hoods and if your shirt or coat had one it had to be on your head!

You didn’t ever really love bath time, actually just the hair washing part anyway. You would just scream every time. But you loved to just sit and play with toys in the water. Especially if your sister was in the tub too.

You didn’t speak much when you first came, only a few words: hot, shoe, ball, and shirt. You learned so fast listing to Kai and Natalie and Nicole, you wanted to join in the conversation. Some words you learned were hair, cat, meow, car, me, I for Kai, Na for Natalie, Ni for Nicole, da and ma, please and thank you. Then you started to combine two words which was great, things like hold me, me too, you’re fired (there’s a funny story behind that one). All the kids were joking that Jeremy was being fired and you jumped right in to all our surprise.

You are such a sweet boy, so sensitive and loving. You were always happy and outgoing, up for any adventure with the kids. And you would flirt mercilessly with any stranger to get some smiles or steal their food. Your smile was hard to resist, I had to remind several strangers not to share their food or drink with you.

At first you thought you were in charge and didn’t like any rules. But it didn’t take you long to figure ours out and when you got into in trouble you’d go right to time out quietly. You tried to be pretty sneaky with Nicole though. I had to watch you two carefully! We were lucky enough to celebrate your second birthday with you. I think something clicked in your head that day because all of a sudden you decided, “I can do it myself!” You didn’t think you needed help with anything even if you couldn’t do it. If we tried to help you, you would throw a fit.  You started throwing lots of fits. Those terrible twos are terrible.  Sometimes it was because we took off a sock or put your shirt in the hamper that you still wanted to wear. You were starting to assert your independence all right.

We all loved and cared for you very much. We don’t have the answers to why things worked out the way they did, but we are so thankful we had the time we did with you. I hope this isn’t goodbye and that maybe one day we can see each other again. Natalie thinks we should move next door so we can still see you every day! In our hearts, as much as it pains us, we know you are meant to be with your real family. We will always miss you terribly and hope we can watch you grow from a distance.

We will keep you in our hearts and in our prayers forever. You are such a shining star, so special; people are naturally drawn to you and I know you will be a good friend to so many people in your life. You are quick on your feet, so smart, and so beautiful. That is why we chose the name Jamal- it means beauty and grace.  We know you have a great life ahead of you. Good luck and God bless you.

With Love,

Jeremy, Evelyn

Kai, Natalie, and Nicole

Dinner Time Madness

These next few days/weeks are sure to be hard for our family. The littlest things make us remember Jamal and bring back the hurt all over again. In an effort to lighten the mood I want to share some funny stories the next few days. I will also finish our tale and share a letter I wrote to Jamal that we sent home with him.

When Jamal first came to our home his name was Samir Oscar. Natalie thought Oscar was the funniest name. She would drag it out and wave her arms like a magician creating suspense in the middle of a trick…” AhhhScar!”

A few weeks ago we were sitting at dinner and she asked, ”What was Jamal’s name before? I forgot.”

I told her and once again she started her routine of dramatics, “Oscar!” waiving her arms around. She was so silly that all the kids joined in and it got crazier and crazier and sillier and sillier. We were all laughing; even Jamal was amused.

Jeremy and I tried to settle them down but there was no point, they were on a roll. 

Then Natalie asked, “What is his new middle name?”

“Antoine”

“That’s boring. We should call him (with magical waiving arms still) “Oscar!”

All the kids, “Yea, it used to be Oscar!” Now it’s Antoine.”

“Oscar… Antoine…Oscar….Antoine,” Natalie said over and over with wonderment, then feigning disappointment, then dramatically, then  pouty.

Kai joined in, “Oscar…Antoine….Oscar…Taiwan.”

Natalie Laughed so hard, “You just called him Taiwan!”

So began a new highly dramatic chant by all of them,  “Oscar…Taiwan…Oscar…Taiwan!”

“Taiwan is in China if I am correct.” Said Natalie matter- of- factly over Kai’s chant.

“People from Taiwan are nice I bet.” Said Nicole, “Is Jamal from Taiwan?”

Enduring Trials Well

We all think life is hard…and it is! That is the point is it not? The whole reason we are here on Earth is to be tried, tested, stretched and strengthened. Many of us know this in our hearts, but when a real whopper of a trial strikes you, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, hard sometimes to feel Christ’s love for you or obtain clarity of how to endure. It is too easy to lose an eternal perspective along with love and compassion, which ushers in instead, bitterness, depression, and loss of hope. Without hope we have nothing.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell in his talk, But For a Small Moment, speaks of trials, “These realities are that God loves us and, loving us, has placed us here to cope with challenges which he will place before us. I'm not sure we can always understand the implications of his love, because his love will call us at times to do things we may wonder about, and we may be confronted with circumstances we would rather not face. I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us. He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know. He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like. And this will require us to accept with all our hearts—particularly your generation—the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives and that you have rendezvous to keep, individually and collectively. [He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve.]”

“Let me begin by reminding you that we so blithely say in the Church that life is a school, a testing ground. It is true, even though it is trite. What we don't accept are the implications of that true teaching—at least as fully as we should. One of the implications is that the tests that we face are real. They are not going to be things we can do with one hand tied behind our backs. They are real enough that if we meet them we shall know that we have felt them, because we will feel them deeply and keenly and pervasively.”

As our trials grow and continue we are pushed further and further to our breaking point; some of us reach that point while others surpass it. When we think we can endure no more, feel utterly lost. That’s the point where we really reach out to Heavenly Father. You might be arguing, “No I have been praying, I have been praying through ALL of it!” You may ask, “Where was the Lord then, why didn’t He help me?” The answer is that He was and is there, watching and waiting and assisting in unseen ways. I know there are trials so sever and so heart wrenching you may feel abandoned by the Lord, but he is aware of you and loves you, He is waiting with willing hands. In some of our darkest hours we sometimes stop looking for Him or stop listening closely enough for guidance and mistake that as being left on our own.

More often though, through prayer, scripture study, blessings and obeying commandments during our trials, we feel Heavenly Father’s love, very strongly, through comfort, peace and small whisperings or tender mercies.

He is leading us with baby steps, stepping as far as we are able in that moment. He can’t simply remove the trial and take it away or our chance to learn a valuable lesson is lost, but He does want us to succeed.  We may even have to take one step forward, and two backward at times as we tread the rough road to recovery.

We are nearing the end of the first phase of our trial with Jamal's adoption, but even after step one is complete, we know our road stretches on, we will have more miles to endure. Even if he does get to stay with us, we have some healing and adaptation to continue. However, I can say calmly, that I know all will be well, no matter the outcome. I’m not as scared anymore. Saddened at times, yes, but not as bitter, not as angry, and not wondering why. How did I get to this point? Through humility I guess.

I went through so many emotions daily these last few months. My weeks were literally an endless emotional rollercoaster. Here’s how it went-

Sunday: nervous anticipation and fear and hopeful.

Monday: Restlessness, fear, hope, anxiety.

Tuesday: A small bit of hope, scared, bitter, angry, and wondering.

Wednesday: Depressed, loss of hope, numb and sad.

Thursday: Hopeless, angry, sad, withdrawn.

Friday: Hopeless, depressed, no motivation for anything as I realized another week had passed.

Sat: Hopeful, excited for a new week, another chance at news, trying to be there for the kids and Jeremy and be alive.

 Then I’d start all over. Weeks and weeks turned into months  and months of this cycle. And each cycle I dug myself deeper and deeper into a pit of hopelessness! I lost my way, asked what the purpose of all this was and became a bitter person. I had put my trust and faith in Heavenly Father that He would direct these men- lawyers, judges, parents, etc… in the right direction and I let go, I knew it was out of my hands. “So why is it taking so long?!,” I wondered.

 Perhaps because we had more to learn and more to grow and needed more humility. Humility is of course the key to all spiritual knowledge and understanding. And you aren’t fully humbled with a full desire to listen until you hit your rock bottom.

Elder Maxwell continues, “A trap into which we can fall is that we may at times assume that the plan of salvation requires merely that we endure and survive when, in fact, as is always the case with the gospel of Jesus Christ, it is required of us, not only that we endure, but also that we endure well, that we exhibit “grace under pressure.” This is necessary, not only so that our own passage through the trial can be a growth experience, but also because (more than we know) there are always people watching to see if we can cope, who therefore may resolve to venture forth and to cope themselves. Every time we navigate safely on the strait and narrow way, there are other ships that are lost which can find their way because of our steady light.”

I truly hope Jeremy and I have exerted “grace under pressure” throughout this, but we can’t be the judges of that. I’ve had some pretty hard days, days in fact that required medications to reign me back in (but that’s a topic for another day and involves a talk by President Monson given in conference). We feel very strongly the love and prayers from so many that lift us up and inspire us. I hope and pray that through our trial there is something we have done or exemplified that may help others in their lives.

 We’ve had specs of enlightenment along the way. At one point we were directed to view things from the birth father’s perspective and have compassion and love for him and to imagine the roles reversed.

Just recently we have been shown another piece of this puzzle that needs to be resolved in order to move on. There are some tender feelings that need to be addressed, some healing and changing of hearts and minds to replace the fear with Christ’s love in the hearts of our children.

Like I said, our trial is not over, but we have at least found hope again and that is enough for now. I feel as though we are taking bigger steps with The Lord now than we were before.  I have felt compassion and love for all those involved and I know our eternal family will make it through this and will be protected and preserved. There is sure to be more pain and sadness along the way, but at least we have the light and knowledge we have been searching for and have answered unto the Lord, “Thy will be done.”

Sitting in Limbo - Jamal

In elementary school we used to play a math game in class that I dreaded. The basic idea is that one person would start at the beginning of the class (back in the day when you had rows, not table groups) and stand beside the person next in line. The teacher held up a flash card and the first person to yell the correct answer moved on down the line. I wasn’t great at math, certainly not quick at solving problems when under pressure. I would hunch down in my chair nervously watching the competition getting closer and closer to me. I tried hard, but I think at best I only advanced one seat in all the days we played we played that stupid game.

(Kai's Halloween costume from a few years ago)

I feel like I’m playing that game still today as we wait for the judge’s decision. I know an answer is coming, but I don’t know how soon, and I don’t know if I’m prepared anymore for whatever it is, good or bad. I’m just sitting here tense and scared every day. The fear of the unknown is taking its toll. No matter what the decision is we know our journey's not exactly over.

If Texas wins this case we lose Jamal, but then it’s a question of how long do we have with him, how does he go home, where does he end up, will we ever see him again, and what will his new life be like?

If Utah gets jurisdiction, what happens next? Does his birth father decide to bring the fight to Utah? How long will it take to sort things out, what are our odds of winning and can we afford financially and emotionally to fight?

All of this waiting is like having a classmate one row over. I’m waiting, hesitantly. Once we get a decision from the judge my classmate will move to the front of my row and head my way.  It’s not over yet, it’s just another step in this tangled web of anxiety and anticipation.

What will happen when I’m up, when it’s my turn and all is said and done? Will we be celebrating a victory as a family? Or will be cleaning up the ashes, staying in our chair?

If worst comes to worst, I can say with conviction that it won’t affect my faith or testimony. Yes, it would be incredibly difficult to bear and our kids and family might never be the same, but it doesn’t change the fact that Heavenly Father still loves my family and I. We don’t understand everything that happens in our lives, but that’s ok. Maybe someday we will.

We realized that we have so many people praying for us and wishing us the best possible outcome; prayers in our sacred temples, people all over the US and even in other countries, and people of all different faiths. Prayer is a powerful thing and we feel the love of so many standing behind us. We thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. Our biggest hope and prayer for all of you is that if we do lose Jamal, that it won’t affect your faith and trust in God. As much as we beg and plead with the Lord, sometimes the answer will always be a no, no matter how fervently, how long, and how sincere our prayers.

In the meantime, we are still praying for the best (trying to keep our hope alive) and ask all of you to do the same. Let us trust that we will reach the next step in our journey soon. 

Our Adoption Story Continues - The Saga

It’s fairly simple to merely write a story, but not as simple to write a great story. Every endearing story written throughout history shares the same qualities and components: a challenge or threat, deep emotional distress, a hero with adversity and struggles to overcome, and an antagonist standing in the way. As the story progresses the hero discovers some universal truths about him/herself, and overcomes un-surmountable odds in order to triumph. Except, that is, in a tragedy; the black sheep of novels, one that actually concludes with an unhappy ending, leaving the reader wanting and sad or bitter.

Well, grab your tissues and hold on for the ride… our happy little adoption story took a detour: intense, emotional, adverse and full of surprise with multiple alternative endings. You decide if we reach a happy ending or if this story is truly a tragedy after all. 

Music is a pretty important part of my life, if you want the soundtrack of my life right now you can listen to Let Her Go by Passenger, Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles, We All Need Saving by Jon McLaughlin, Sailboat by Ben Rector, and Lullaby by Josh Groban (which I posted about a few days ago) while reading this long post, but only if you have a tissue ready. Music makes everything in life richer!

Let’s see, in my last post I left you all in a cloud of happy transformation, with dancing unicorns and butterflies and four joy-full children. I wish I could go back to that land of enchantment. I hate to burst the bubble so soon, but alas, our antagonist must make his presence and objective known within the first Act! However, the antagonist doesn’t always have to be an evil villain or a terrifying monster, sometimes it can be as simple as another person setting out to fulfill their opposing intentions, which results in the conflict.

(The night Jamal came home with us)

We were all on cloud nine enjoying our new little one and knowing our family was now complete. We spent a few workless weeks playing games, doing special activities, bonding, and preparing for the future. Of course, a naive hero never suspects the big bad wolf looming does she? The general mood and feeling when the adoption took place was that there was nothing to worry about. We were told that his biological father hadn’t been involved with Jamal so far, so he probably wouldn’t care that he had been placed with us…. We all guessed wrong.

On Monday August 12^th  (about 2 weeks after we brought Jamal home) we had a set back when we found out that Jack (fictional name of course), Jamal’s birth father, had hired an attorney (we will call her Jill) who was requesting information regarding the whereabouts of Jamal. He had contacted the agency a few days before asking for his child back. We assumed that he was probably angry that birth mom had placed his son and was to just venting and expressing himself. Obviously we thought he was better off with us given the history presented to us. So when he hired a lawyer we were a little shocked.

Our adoption agency was a little shocked as well and urged us to hire a different, more experienced lawyer. You know the old saying about hindsight being 20/20, well…

Anyway, this was a very difficult decision for us. It was more than worrying and wondering what to do and what was best for Jamal. We had just invested so much money into this adoption, more than we had saved, been given and gotten loans to cover. In fact, I’m going on a tangent here to tell you about our first small miracle in this story:

We had to come up with this difference in one day in order to make this adoption happen. Jeremy and I had been taking a Dave Ramsey Finance class (Which I HIGHLY recommend) so we had all our cash category envelopes at home. It was the end of the month so there wasn’t much left, but we took every dollar from every envelope knowing that we wouldn’t even be able to buy more groceries until pay day! We also withdrew our entire emergency fund of $1,000 (baby step number one in the program). Together this made up the difference, exactly, and we had enough left to buy the few essential things we needed like a car seat, diapers and wipes. We took Dave’s advice to “sell so much stuff the kids think they’re next”, and guess what? We restocked that $1,000 fund in just one month! Partly from selling things, but the rest came from the biggest miracle I’ve seen in our family yet. We were moving all of our banking to just one account and in doing so discovered an extra $600+ dollars! We have no idea where that came from. Jeremy is a math and spreadsheet guru and tracks our spending every month to the penny. That money wasn’t in there before. It was such a blessing, because we would need to use that emergency savings again, very soon….

Now back to our original story…our current lawyer was available through the pre-paid legal services offered through Jeremy’s work. We had been hoping for an adoption this year so we had been paying the fees all year in preparation. If we stayed with this lawyer our fees would be minimal. If we chose to change our fees would be daunting and crippling. We felt at the time that he could handle this and

asked our lawyer, John (you guessed it, fictional name) to send the appropriate documentation to Jill that day (the 12^th) and then we waited. Patience in not my virtue and these last few weeks have tested me more than ever. That paper was supposed to get to Jill/Jack by the end of the week. Again, we assumed, that it would be taken care of.

(camping and smores in the backyard)

The week went by slowly without any news. Jeremy and I had our 11^th anniversary coming up on Saturday and we had made plans to go to the temple in Salt Lake (where we were married) Friday night, and out to dinner and a movie Saturday night in celebration. Friday night came; we dropped the kids off at his sister’s house, and drove toward the temple. We were almost there when we received a call from our caseworker that we needed to call the agency. We sat in the car in the hot underground parking garage on a conference call on speakerphone, Jeremy talking while I took notes. Jill was very upset because she had not yet received the papers John said he would send and that we had promised would be there by then! She was also claiming that she had a standing court order that stated Jamal’s birth mother had no legal right to leave the state, let alone, place Jamal for adoption. Ugh. Again they urged us to hire a different lawyer (the agency’s lawyers hinted that John had no idea what he was doing and didn’t appreciate the urgency of this action) and told us that this had to be taken care of on Monday. They were really worried what might happen if not. Jeremy and I were crushed. My heart sank. We were in a state of panic and confusion.

After an hour on the phone and some discussion, we decided we would still try to get into the temple to do some sealings. It was really late, but we made it in. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that families are forever and that you will be with your family after you die. When a couple is married inside the temple they are sealed together for eternity. In our temples we do this for couples who have died without the opportunity and who have not yet been sealed together. I had forgotten that sealing children to their parents in also done during a session. As soon as I sat down in the room reality hit me. I realized that Jamal may never be sealed to our family and that we might not see him again, not just in this life, but that we wouldn’t get to be together as a family in Heaven either. I cried, and not just a few tears. I couldn’t stop. I started to have a panic attack and tried to just breathe, I wanted to run out of the room. I cried the entire session and used almost a whole box of tissues. The other people in that room probably thought I was a nut case! I think Jeremy did too. Even re-living this in writing is hard, all these emotions are still here.

Of course this was a Friday, we had to wait the entire weekend to get this sorted out with John. We continued our date Saturday night and tried not to think about all of this (almost impossible), but it was a nice distraction. We debated all weekend again whether we should switch attorneys. This was still a very difficult decision. Ultimately we decided that with the urgency resting on actions needing to take place Monday, we didn’t really have time to switch. It would take too long to get papers signed and sent and transferred. Again, we stuck it out with John, putting our faith in him.

(camping in the backyard)

Monday morning, the 19^th of August, we contacted John. He hadn’t even sent the paper to Jill yet! He did get it out later that day after yet more bad news. The agency called us in a panic that afternoon. Jill had threatened to go to a judge in their state that day or the next to get a court order demanding that Jamal be sent back immediately! The agency insisted it was necessary for John to submit a petition for us to have temporary custody that same day or we would risk losing Jamal, possibly by the end of the week. Our lawyer pulled through for us and submitted the petition to our judge and mailed the document to Jack, which would be delivered by a constable. This delivery to Jack would begin his 30 day notice here in Utah to his right to either sign and relinquish his rights to us or acknowledge his intent to contest. If no action is taken during that 30 days the parental rights are automatically lost. So this little paper was a BIG deal! The clock was ticking and we needed some of those 30 days that were missed by not sending it the week before.  Needless to say we were on pins and needles all day, but relieved that those papers had finally been taken care of.

On Tuesday the 20^th, we got some good news from our lawyer, a judge had reviewed our petition and had signed it. He hadn’t expected a judge to even look at it for a few days. We were so relieved. Everyone believed that by moving the custody from the agency to us would prevent the issuing of such an order from the other state. I don’t know if Jill did go to a judge after all, but we held our breath waiting for any more news or threats.

We began to relax a little and get into a new groove: Jeremy’s paternity leave had ended and he had gone back to work again and our older two kids had started school. 

(off to church)

Monday the 26^th of August, still no news. It was the calm before the storm.  Aug 26^th –Sept 3^rd nothing, just normal life mixed with a bit of anxiety and a new stress of homework. You think as an adult, out of school, that you are done with homework, but no-oo. Parents are the ones with homework. I don’t know about you, but if I don’t sit right next to my kids and force them to divide this and spell that, it just doesn’t get done. And don’t even get me started on “reflections” and big projects! Some days I have to remind myself that I really do want my kids to learn and to get good grades.

Wed Sept 4^th, John contacts us and tells us we have a meeting with our judge scheduled on Sept 16^th. He also informs us that Jack has now filed suit against Jamal’s birthmother in addition to contesting the adoption. He filed suit Aug 23^rd.

We had no idea what this meeting with the judge was going to be like or what it was about. I mean about Jamal obviously, but were we there so he could examine our character and stability for Jamal, or tell us we have to send him home. Was this a real hearing or just a one on one visit? So many questions and our Lawyer didn’t have any answers! His advice was: don’t plan on your adoption being finalized.

That night we were scared, and angry. We decided we had no alternative but to switch lawyers, we needed someone more aggressive and with more experience. Someone willing to tackle this head on and fight for us. We went straight to the source, the best in the business.

Friday Sept 6^th, Our hearts sank when we got the response from this impressive lawyer saying that we had a very difficult case and that it would cost us tens of thousands of dollars with him. More money than we could ever come up with, numbers that would spell financial ruin for our family. So we went to a firm he partners with on occasion, the one that he and our agency recommended. It was late in the day so we left a message. And….waited…..  Of course it was Friday, darn it! Every time we have to wait for important news or updates it’s always over an entire weekend. I don’t know if you know this, but time passes at a slower rate on Saturday and Sunday. It’s true! Each minute stretches to at least 90 seconds instead of the allotted 60.

On Saturday we asked family to pray with us and for us over the weekend and over the next few weeks. We also started making plans for a fundraising yard sale in anticipation of whatever number would come from this next firm.

(hugs)

Monday Sept 9^th, We heard back from Peter and Ben (probably don’t need to say this at this point, but their names have been changed). They agreed to take on our case and told us we have a very steep hill to climb, but they are going to try! Their retainer fee to prepare for our court date was only $1,000. The word only is appropriate as it was way lower than we were expecting to hear; a blessing in itself.  If you’ve read the story so far you probably just gasped. I sure did. One thousand dollars, the exact amount we had just put back into our emergency fund! It felt so good to know we had the money ready and we finally felt a little empowered with lawyers that knew their stuff and that were already busily researching and working on our case.

They also knew what our “meeting” with the judge was about. They actually took the time to ask some questions and look into it. We were told it was going to be a hearing between our judge here and the judge in Jack’s state to determine where legal jurisdiction lies in all this.

This is where things get complicated and fuzzy lines are drawn. There was already a pending legal action between birth-mom and dad way before the adoption, started last year in fact. In their state they have a “standing court order” that neither party is allowed to leave the state in such cases.

I think I can guess some things that just went through your mind, probably some of the same things that went through mine when we heard the news. You see, we knew about this document early on, but everyone thought it was nothing, didn’t matter and wouldn’t affect Utah jurisdiction. Turns out, our adoption hangs in the balance due to that one stupid piece of paper!

The next two days were hard. I was so depressed and scared. We did hear a few days later that Peter was very confident we would win this case and that Utah could take over. This helped, but didn’t ease any of my anxiety. Meanwhile we prepared for our yard sale that weekend…

We were completely overwhelmed and humbled by the generosity of others. Our house was literally overflowing with donations. People stopped by and gave us money, others stopped by to visit and talk. It was so nice to have something to focus on and busy myself with and feel the love and support from so many people near and far.

Saturday Sept 14^th, it was time for the big yard sale and there were more miracles in store. Our aim was to get a good start at re-stocking that emergency fund yet again. We thought we could make a couple hundred dollars at least. The first miracle was that it didn’t rain! Sounds silly, but the heavens had been unleashing for days; so many areas around us were flooding. We had borrowed about 8 large tables to put things on and had even more stuff all over the lawn. It would’ve been quite the feat to drag it all into the garage had it started raining! The day went well, we had a steady stream of people most of the day. Our average sale was probably about $6-$10. We kept the yard sale going for 5 hours.  When we decided to call it quits and clean up we still had a lot left over. Once everything was settled, while Jeremy was off taking a load to DI, I counted our money. I counted again. And again. And again. It couldn’t be right. It didn’t add up! I won’t give the actual number here, but we had enough to re-stock our emergency fund once again! When Jeremy got home he couldn’t believe it either. He was our cashier most of the day and he said he knew there wasn’t that much money in our box. We were both flabbergasted! How do you make that much money from a simple yard sale? The answer is, you don’t! It was nothing short of a miracle.

The kids weren’t a part of our yard sale, they got to spend time at grandma and grandpa’s house instead, but they were pretty sad they didn’t get to be there. We took them to a movie later that afternoon to relax, blow off steam, and have a fun family day, dreading what the worst-case scenario might be on Monday.

Sunday was a wild ride. The kids were fighting over who got to play with Jamal and fighting with each other. It was when I was about to stick them all in time-out that one of them said, “but today is the last day we are going to get to see Jamal!” My heart broke. We had kept most of this from them up until this point because we didn’t want them to worry. We couldn’t keep it hidden any longer, especially since there was a chance of losing Jamal. They didn’t quite understand it and were doing the best they could, but they were as much of an emotional wreck as we were. I just hadn’t fully realized it until that moment. We had a lot to talk about that day.

(tickles)

Monday Sept 16^th, the big day. I think I was more nervous that day than I was the day of our adoption! We thought we would get a decision that day and have the biggest piece of this puzzle solved once and for all. Peter was confident we would win. He explained to us again what would happen and went into the courtroom with his assistants. We waited outside with Jamal since we weren’t allowed in the actual courtroom. We were there hoping the judge might invite us in to ask us a question and put names with the faces on his papers. He never did. I was so nervous, I had a hard time sitting still. I should’ve taken an anxiety pill that day, I sure could’ve used one, but I wanted to make sure I was totally alert if, per chance we had to speak to the judge. I think I went to the bathroom every 3 minutes. I’m not even exaggerating. Those of you that know me well will believe this. It was way beyond my normal small -bladder needs. We waited. And waited. The story of our lives.

I braced myself as Peter came out of the courtroom, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst. The answer wasn’t to be feared or hoped for… it wasn’t anything. There wasn’t a decision that day.  The judge was very angry with our previous lawyer, John, because he had filed most, if not all of our papers incorrectly! He revoked our petition for temporary custody that had been filed earlier and put our agency back in legal custody of Jamal. He had made it clear to our lawyer that he was ready to throw our case out because of all the mistakes. Luckily, he granted Peter the opportunity to amend our documents and include some that were missing and would then review them. Once again, this amazing team delivered and had those papers done within a few hours!

(petting zoo)

We were confident we would have a ruling that week. We lived each day on pins and needles, assuming by the end of the week we would either be celebrating or grieving.  I was scared to schedule anything for fear I’d need to cancel all my plans. Each day dragged on and on and still no word. Those days stretched into more than two weeks of excruciating wondering and life in limbo! I’ve had days of sadness and hopelessness, days of anxiety and worry, days of anger and bitterness, and days where I just don’t care, or don’t want to anyway. There have been rays of faith and hope as well; each day brings a new wave of emotions. It is a hard balance as a mother, wanting to love this little person and protect him and bond to him, but yet at the same time needing to protect my heart and his. He has bonded to us and another transition might be devastating for him if he becomes even closer to us. This is the age where attachment disorders can come into play.  I think, to him, we have become his family. He calls us mom and dad and runs to his siblings with open arms!

So, my friends, this is where we leave off– hanging from a cliff. Thank you for going the distance and reading our tale thus far, it’s been quite a roller coaster. Stay tuned for the conclusion of this novella that is our current life.

Thank you to everyone that has helped our family in every possible way. We appreciate you all and can feel all the prayers in our behalf. We are praying that no matter what happens or where Jamal ends up that he will be watched over, safe and loved. 

(dinosaur museum)

Our Adoption Story - Jamal

Three weeks ago – Thursday July 25th, 2013, Jeremy and I received the call we've been waiting months for...

We had just left our weekly finance class and headed over to a local bakery for our usual after - class treat. It was about 8:20 pm, Jeremy was paying for our cookies when my phone rang; it was a call from our adoption agency so I slipped outside to take the call. At first I thought it was just an update or a question about our file, but once I realized this was THE call, I shouted to Jeremy. He looked like a deer in headlights, a look of shock and excitement, while fumbling with his change to hurry outside with me.

I listened closely and repeated all the information to Jeremy as it was given to me. We were both anxious and excited. It was a lot to take in in just a few minutes, especially since it meant that if we accepted, our life would be changing the very next afternoon! We decided we needed a minute to process this information, talk about it and say a prayer. We walked to the car, got in, and sat for a good minute without saying a word, completely shocked. I of course began to cry. There is no way to describe the mix of emotions that come over you in this instant: shock, relief, excitement, sadness, nervousness, anxiety, humility, and love. My biggest challenge, and one that still brings tears to my eyes, is wondering what the birth mother must be thinking, feeling, and going through in life to have to make this most difficult decision. My heart literally breaks for her. As happy as we are in that moment of possibility of completing our family, we always realize that another is being torn apart in the process. Adoption is the ultimate definition of a two- edged sword.

We talked for a minute and tried to remember all the details we had just been given. It was odd how similar this situation was to our last adoption call with Nicole! Again, just like before, we were both together when we got the news, chatting and praying in a car in a parking lot. Some of our biggest life decisions have been made in a car in a lonely parking lot. I wrote everything down on paper that I could remember while Jeremy inhaled his cookie! I've never seen him eat like that. I was actually scared he might eat me! I on the other hand thought I might throw up and couldn't even look at my cookie. Everyone handles emotions differently, right?! We talked about the opportunity and what we would need to do to prepare that quickly. And finally we said a prayer about our decision. We felt very strongly that this child would complete our family.

We had some time to kill since our agency contact was in a meeting. Now that we had our decision made and an answer ready to give, we went into action mode, making plans of what we needed, what to do with the other kids and what to tell them. We tried to think of what questions we had since there were a lot of holes missing in our notes. Your brain can only hold so many details in such a state, we forgot half of what our contact said.

It was finally time to call back and give our answer- yes! We re-asked some of the same questions and hung up knowing we would get more details the next day as to what would happen when. But on that Thursday night the plan was that we would have a new son the very next day!

We debated whether to tell the kids yet or not. In the end we thought it was best to tell them so they could start to wrap their minds around this news. We would also have to warn them that there was a chance that it might not happen at all though; there is always a risk involved and we were putting their hearts on the line this time. They were already in bed when we got home so we planned to tell them first thing in the morning.

Over breakfast Friday morning we announced the news to the kids who were so happy to hear and overly excited to meet him! We were all energized that morning and set about making preparations for our new son. We cleaned his room top to bottom, set up his bed, and did some chores to clean the house. We had to steal Natalie's mattress in order for him to have a bed to sleep in that night; poor Natalie offered to sleep on the floor for a few nights until we could go buy another mattress. I also sorted through boxes of clothes to pull out sizes that might fit him. I had bought a few things here and there from friends the past few months in anticipation, not knowing what size we would actually need when the time came. This was the fastest version of nesting in history!

After our speedy hard work we packed up and headed out to do a little shopping for some necessities we were missing, like a car seat. We bought a few outfits, diapers, wipes, bedding and curtains for his room, and searched everywhere for a car seat to no avail. By this time we had heard that our plans for that day had to be postponed until Saturday. That was a relief, it gave us all more time to prepare and let this momentous news set in. We continued shopping and cleaning until late and then went to bed. It took Jeremy and I a while to fall asleep that night, we were too anxious for what tomorrow would bring.

Saturday morning I took Natalie with me to search yet again for a car seat. We went to a few more stores, but I couldn’t find a car seat I liked in our budget range. I was getting desperate! We went back to where we started –Walmart, the store that has everything, except what you need! I found a helpful employee. No, he really was, imagine that. When we were there the day before they said they had the one we wanted in stock but they didn’t know where, and they obviously weren’t about to search for it. This time I demanded a car seat, I wasn’t leaving without one. I didn’t have a choice, time was running out. Every other option was either pink or a creepy Dora or Sponge Bob. If you happen to be in that store go check out the car seats, you’ll see what I mean. This competent employee dove into the depths of their warehouse to search for that car seat. He reemerged with not one, but two of the car seat I was after! Success! The boxes were destroyed and open, but he promised me the seats were brand new and not damaged. He said they had not been put on the floor due to the condition of the boxes having been ruined on the truck. I looked inside and chose the one that wasn’t all dusty and headed for the check out. Mission accomplished! We installed it the second I got home.

We did some more chores that day and let the kids play for a bit while we anxiously awaited any news from the agency. Time went so slow that day; painfully slow. After lunch, still no news. By this time the kids were a mess of emotion, happy, excited, hyper, tired, crying and whining all at the same time. None of us could stand it anymore, it was time to call in reinforcements. Grandma and Grandpa Nelson came to collect the kids and take them to their house for the day. After they left Jeremy and I sat on the porch talking since we were out of things to do, we were dying for a call or a text or an update of any kind. Finally we were told we could make our way towards the agency! We frantically packed a bag and jumped in the car. Neither of us believing our moment had really come.

I don’t remember what about or if we talked much in the car, it was hard to breathe. Once again all those emotions came over me again. As happy as I was, I was painfully aware of what must be happening at the agency. I was dreading this exchange with every fiber of my being yet couldn’t wait one more second. Talk about a nervous wreck!

As we drove we got another text that our meeting would be a little later than planned which was fine because we were still a ways out from Centerville. When we were just about there we received another text that there was another delay and that the birth mom had decided that she did not want to meet us after all. As much as I really wanted to meet with her and get to know her, in this moment, it was a huge relief. With Nicole, we were able to meet both her birth mother and father and we treasure that time we got with them. I took a picture of them holding her (probably the only one we will ever get of them) and am so thankful we have that picture to show her in the future. In this case though, with an older child, and having done it before, I couldn’t imagine or bear the thought of being a part of their goodbyes. I was grateful she could do that in private, it seemed a more peaceful transition. We respected her decision and understood. I hope some day we do get the chance to get to know her and receive letters in response to ours.

We were told to wait nearby until it was time to go in. We parked in an alley near the agency and waited…I had to get out of the car and move, I couldn’t sit still. I was mostly just excited now, whereas Jeremy was feeling very nervous and anxious. We paced back and forth and back and forth wondering what he looked like, what his personality was like, what he would think of us and how he would react to us taking him home. We waited an hour until we finally got the text saying it was our turn, but were warned he was crying and upset. We both took a deep breath and looked wide-eyed at each other as we got into the car.

We could see him through the window when we pulled up and it seemed like he had stopped crying. When we walked in he ran to the social worker, clinging to her as he buried his face. We didn’t want to intrude or scare him so we kept our distance and just stared at this handsome boy, while talking with her. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep in her arms. Once he was out she handed him to me. I got to hold him the whole time we talked and while we signed all the legal documents. We were there for two hours. When all was said and done it was time to go home. I handed him to Jeremy and he woke up confused and a little scared and went running after the social worker. At this point we were a little nervous about how he would react in the car. Jeremy carried him out and buckled him in. We waved goodbye, held our breath and were off.

We were so hungry at this point, but didn’t dare stop the car. We agreed on drive through and got him some food too thinking he might be hungry. So far so good, no tears. As I handed him chicken nuggets he gave me silly faces and smiled. After a while he was laughing and playing, even playing peek-a-boo with me! We both felt a little calmer now, but still couldn’t believe this was all happening, it was all very surreal.

I had a moment of panic pulling into the driveway. I thought, “this is it, he’s going to freak out as soon as we bring him into a strange house and he doesn’t know where he is!” Once again he surprised us. He went about exploring and playing with toys as if it were no big deal. We showed him all around the house and all the kids bedrooms, including his own. He was playing hide and seek and having a good time. Once we were settled a bit and our nerves were calmer we called grandma and grandpa and told them to bring the kids back home to meet their new brother.

When they pulled into the driveway I took him into one room while they all lined up inside with their eyes closed. Natalie had the idea the day before that they could all close their eyes so they could see him at the same time and no one would be pushing or fighting to see him first. It was a great idea! They were so excited to play with him and he with them it seemed. They ran around together while we finally sat down comfortably relaxed, the first time in a day and a half and talked to Jeremy’s parents in bewilderment. The afternoon and evening had gone so well, better than we ever could’ve imagined! It was getting late so we all gave them hugs goodbye and were completely shocked when he joined right in and gave hugs all around! It was such a special moment. We even got a few pictures of him with them that night.

We said a prayer together as a completed family that night and carried him around as we tucked all the kids in bed. We tucked him in last then went straight to our room and crashed onto our bed, almost giddy. Did this day really happen? Did he really not cry once? This was unbelievable. About a minute later he reappeared in our room with his arms open wide for a hug. Jeremy picked him up, snuggled him and tucked him back into bed. That was it, he went right to sleep and slept all night. I’m sure it was a big day for him too and he was tired.

On Sunday we normally go to church, but decided to take a day to ourselves to get to know each other better. We took the kids to the park to play and feed ducks while I photographed him. I wanted a few nice pictures to make his debut with since all I had at that point were a few blurry cell phone pictures. It was a nice relaxing day with our now-bigger family.

The next few weeks are a blur of family visits, phone calls, doctor appointments, errands and activities. It was nice to have that peaceful Sunday, because on Monday, life went back into full swing. Nicole had gymnastics Mondays and Wednesdays, and all of them started swim lessons on that Monday. Welcome to our busy family! Luckily Jeremy had most of that week off to help me with everything and to get in more bonding time. I had signed the kids up months ago for swimming lessons and was fortunate enough to be able to enroll in a parent-tot class at the same time. I thought it would be a great bonding experience and a good way to keep him busy. Jeremy even took a few turns in the pool with him. He seemed to really enjoy it and loved the water by the end.

It’s weird that it’s only been three weeks, he seems like he’s always been here with us. It’s amazing how fast you can fall in love with a child, but he has become part of our family. Our other kids adore and love him too. And as far as we can tell he loves being here with us, playing with his new siblings and going on new adventures. He is such a sweet and loving boy, a testament to his mother’s loving care. We are ever indebted to her and her greatest sacrifice.

With much thought, prayer, and consideration, we have re-named him Jamal Antoine (middle name after his mother). Nicole thought we should name him macaroni and cheese, but we felt Jamal was a better choice. I liked the name Jamal, it means beauty and grace, both of which this kid is.

Now without further ado, the part you have all been waiting for… pictures! We are excited to introduce you all to our kind-hearted, almost two year old son Jamal.

Natalie is a little mommy

What kind of photographer mom would I be if I didn't take some "newborn" style shots? He is new to our family! These are fun for us because this is a onesie Kai wore at this age.

Silly faces

We love him THIS much!

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